life lately. (TW: mental health issues and things of that sort)

[finn.in.outer.space.]

so for those of you that don’t know, i was diagnosed with adhd and clinical depression years back, i got a faulty diagnosis for autism too but thats a long story. so i struggle with adhd paralysis, so i’m not “lazy” it just physically feels like I can’t do thing (a video to explain:

) and lately my mom has been on her “no one does anything but me”. thing is I try really hard but I’m so burnt out and i just feel like I physically cant do it so I dont. Shes always calling me lazy and using the “You’re moving out in 3 years” excuse. It’s fucked up because its not fair to me when she knows about my diagnosis and my therapist has explained that it’s not me being lazy but its really just hard for me to do things. so guess what? shes threatening to kick me out of the marching band if I dont stop being lazy. the whole reason I joined the band was to get away from her. I’m just so tired man like seriously. my depressions getting worse and my meds don’t work so i just take them to make my therapist (technically psychiatrist but i just say therapist most of the time) happy. Like this is the shit that makes me not want to live anymore. I’m sorry that I’m fucking mentally unstable. So I just pretend I’m okay and force myself to do things even though I’m stressed out. like i get that her mom has cancer and I get thats hard but shes not the only one going through stuff and she makes everyone else feel like our issues are invalid just because of that and its so selfish. I feel like dying most days but do I use that as an excuse to be an asshole? no. and i get being irritable because you have a lot going on, hell I am too but its just, im struggling too and i don’t think she sees that. I’ve really been trying but it’s hard man.

My parent’s don’t even know me tbh. I’ve been going by a whole other name for 2 years atp, they don’t even call me it. I told my mom that I went by they/them in 6th grade, my pronouns never changed from that tbh, i mean i added he but they has always been my main pronoun and she doesn’t call me that. she did for like 2 days. but she expects me to listen to her? she doesnt even care about the things I like or who I am and it’s hard. Like do I really mean that little to you? Because if I do then that shit hurts man. I feel like her trophy sometimes, like the only reason she keeps me around is because I’m talented and pretty, thats about it. and it’s like dude, I’m a person and tbh, i love my achievements but they don’t make me happy, they don’t make everything go away like she said they would. And I just, I’m tired of not being a human to her, I just want to be treated like someone gives a fuck.

[A Former User]

@omgitsfinneas this made me cry so much. finn, im so sorry that you have to go through that. you shouldnt hace to and you do and thats fucking sad. i know that we’ve had our fights before but i really do still care about you. you’ve shown me and even told me things that i might not understand right now but please trust me that i KNOW and i DO listen to what you say. it might not seem like it but i do. but i understand what your going through. i understand having a parent not listen to half the shit you say and just treats you like your nothing just bc your “successful” in life. we’re human. we have feelings. and you know, it hurts knowing that someone you honestly thought would be there for you and support you on everything you did, has never done that. moms can be hard most of the time. i know that from experience. my mom doesnt support me in anything i do. everything that she could bitch at me for, she does. i told her that im still with xay but i do also like two other people and she bitched at me for loving people. i told her that i was trans and she complains that i couldnt be the ‘daughter’ she raised. so finn, i understand. i understand not being accepted for who you truly are. but, i accept you. whether or not me and you are friends or not. your perfect the way you are and your mother or anyone else who doesnt support you or accepts need to realize that your more than enough and that you really are trying to be the best you possibly can.

[finn.in.outer.space.]

☕𝜗𝜚 rylie thank you ry, i really needed that