fear of perception?

[your_search_history_scares_me]

‘just be yourself and people will like you’ untill being yourself isn’t good enough. i GENUINELY lose so many friends because i distance myself or i cling onto them because i worry about being annoying or too quiet. saying hi to someone can have thoughts racing through my head and tears welling up in my eyes, because they probably fucking hate me.
i was caught venting to one of my friends COWS because that fucking animal seemed like it listened more than she did.
i practice facial expressions in the mirror and replay ones i did to see how fucking stupid i looked. I rehearse greetings like they’re movie scripts. I practice my smile in the mirror so its not too toothy. I distance myself from people so i’m not the kid who butts herself into things.
i yell at myself in everything. angry whispers that only i can hear.
‘that sucked. they obviously hate you.’ ‘why did i even try.’’
i am my worst enemy. my mind is eating itself away. i’m not the kid who i used to be.