HELP I NEED AN OPINION

[A Former User]

IM WRITING ANOTHER STORY BUT I NEED FEEDBACK, THIS IS THE DESCRIPTION I CAME UP WITH FOR IT AND I NEED SOMEONES OPINION

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Italy is a magical place to live in, to visit, and to see. It’s full of surprises, beautiful art, and stories. That’s exactly what 19 year old Miguel Castro was looking for, with maybe a little adventure and action on top of it all.

After making a big decision to move to Rome from his hometown in Mexico, Miguel stumbles upon a little town called Domitian, named after one of many Roman Emperors. Intrigued by the name and eager to discover stories and lore behind this little town, he moves into an old run down house that’s stood tall for 300 years.

What the boy didn’t realize was that he’d stepped into the territory of a very angry “spirit”, later turning out to be an old life size puppet named Burattino brought to life over 200 years ago, and is trapped in the house with him. The boy isn’t scared though - he’s thrilled to find adventure after just arriving.

With his newfound supernatural friend, will Miguel be able to discover the adventure he was looking for? Will he solve the mysteries surrounding Domitian, and maybe even find romance?

[A Former User]

Im going to make some suggestions and comments. Give me a bit to write it out

[A Former User]

@ur_local_shut_in Wow, that’s cool! Some advice:
Imagery is key. That’s all.

This is a very creative story concept and something that I really haven’t seen.

[A Former User]

@ur_local_shut_in

First Paragraph: Italy is a magical place to live in, to visit, and to see [venture]. It’s full of surprises [mysteries], [romance] beautiful art, and stories [history]. That’s exactly what 19 year old Miguel Castro was looking for [to satisfy his thirst for adventure]. with maybe a little adventure and action on top of it all.

• I would replace “beautiful art” with “romance” because in your last paragraph, you hinted at Miguel finding romance, so I moved that little element up here instead. Italy is also known to be a travel spot for couples.

• Also based on your last paragraph, I figured it’d be better to move the “mystery” element in Italy to where you were describing it at the beginning.

• Saying “venture” instead of “see” gives you a different thing to do in Italy because if you “visit” Italy, you’re already “seeing” it.

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Second Paragraph: After making a big decision to move from his hometown in Mexico to Rome,[Italy,] Miguel stumbles upon a little town called Domitian, [which was] named after [a] one of many Roman Emperor. Intrigued by the name and eager to discover [its] stories and lore, behind this little town, he moves into an [one of their ancient homes] old run down house that’s stood tall for 300 years.

• You don’t need to include that many details of the house in the book description. Those are things people dont really need to know yet.

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Third Paragraph: What [Miguel] the boy didn’t realize was that he’d stepped into [onto] the territory [grounds] of a[n] very angry [infuriated puppet] “spirit” [named “Burattino.”], later turning out to be an old life size puppet named Burattino brought to life over 200 years ago, and is trapped in the house with him. The boy isn’t scared though – [in fact,] he’s thrilled to [have already found] find adventure after just [so soon after] arriving.

• You should say “he” instead of “the boy” because tecnically 19 isn’t just a boy. That’s a man.

• I think you’re adding a little too much detail about the puppet maybe? I mean, you got to leave some things for the reader to discover about it later, right?

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Fourth Paragraph With his newfound supernatural friend [In this new world and supernatural discovery], will Miguel be able to discover [handle what lies ahead?]find the adventure he was looking for? Will he solve the mysteries surrounding Domitian, and maybe even find romance?

• You said the puppet was angry earlier in the description. I’d let the readers discover that they became friends later.

• You dont need to ask the question if Miguel will find adventure when you already mention that he was excited to fine adventure with the puppet. Maybe you can ask if he will be able to handle the adventure?

• To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of using questions in book descriptions. And for this, I probably wouldn’t use 2 questions back to back unless you began it with “Or will he…” But if you want to foreshadow the mysteries Miguel will find, I’d hint it earlier on like when you were describing Italy. Which I did at the first paragraph.

[Lainey]

@Duchess Woah.

[A Former User]

Lainey🌚 lol I worked on that for 2 days.

[A Former User]

@Duchess Thanks a bunch for these suggestions, they’re very helpful! :D
Im still kinda sucky at writing stories and even worse at writing descriptions, and im trying to improve so this was great tysm :33

[A Former User]

@ur_local_shut_in Youre welcome! Sorry if I shredded your writing though xD

[A Former User]

@Duchess Oh nah its all good, I’m not all that good at writing so I really appreciated that