I don’t even know where to begin, because honestly, everything just feels so heavy lately. I feel like I’m losing everything and everyone around me, piece by piece, like sand slipping through my fingers no matter how tightly I try to hold on. It’s terrifying. Watching people walk away, watching relationships change, watching myself become someone I don’t even recognize anymore.
And the worst part is, I’m not just hurting myself. I’m hurting the people I care about, the ones who are still here, the ones trying. I lash out, or shut down, or say the wrong things. I feel like I’m this walking storm, unpredictable and constantly wrecking the things I love. And I hate it. I hate that I don’t know how to control my emotions anymore. Everything is either way too much or completely numb. I miss the days when life felt easier… when I could smile without forcing it, laugh without guilt, breathe without this tightness in my chest.
I just want things to go back to how they used to be. Back when I was happy. Back when I didn’t feel like I had to fight constantly with everyone including myself. I’m exhausted from all the arguments, all the misunderstandings, all the silence that follows the shouting. It’s like I’m living in a loop of tension and regret, and I don’t know how to escape it.
Sometimes things just seem to fall apart when you least expect them to. And this is my time. This is the season of falling, breaking, unraveling. And God, I didn’t see it coming. I really didn’t. I thought I had more time, or more strength, or more something. But here I am, in the middle of it all, trying to hold my own pieces together while everything else slips away. While trying to help everyone in the mean time and also trying to keep myself from slipping.
Sometimes I just want to pack up and leave everything behind. Just disappear. Not because I don’t care, but because I care too much and it’s crushing me. I don’t know what to think anymore. My head feels like chaos and my heart feels like it’s constantly at war with itself. I wish I had the answers. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make things feel normal again. Maybe things will get better. Maybe things will get brighter. Maybe someday I’ll look back on this and understand it all. But right now? It just hurts. It hurts to feel like a burden. It hurts to watch people drift. It hurts to keep pretending I’m okay when I’m not. And god… do some people surprise you. In the worst ways. Or the best. But mostly the worst, lately. People you thought would stay, people you thought understood, people you trusted… they shift, they fade, they change. And it leaves you wondering if you ever really knew them at all.
I don’t know what I need. I just needed to let this out. Maybe this is messy, maybe it’s too much. But it’s real. It’s where I’m at right now. And I’m just hoping, somehow, it won’t always feel this way. I’m sorry.
no need to feel like you’ve been 14 for forever lol
)