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for those who dont know, my nana (my moms mom) has cancer in her throat. first my mom wont tell me shit about whats happening or keep me updated but from my moms demeanor im guessing its getting worse. i feel bad for my mom but she genuinely makes me feel like im never doing enough and like im a failure. ive dealt with this shit since i was 6, ive learned the best way for her not to bother her. my friends are worried about me. i genuinely feel like a fuckup all the time. and its tiring trying to please her but alas im the oldest sibling so i have to people please in order to keel her off my ass about shit. she made me a pathological liar for the longest time because i was afraid of her trying to hurt me, i was afraid of losing her attention and i love her dont get me wrong but shes hella abusive mentally. she makes me feel worthless and i can never tell her that and i feel like maybe im an idiot but i try to distance myself from her at least once or twice a month but im too attached not to. and im lost at this point, i dont know whether to keep trying or give up and i cant deal with the bullshit.
i lost my shit on my aunt yesterday bc she asked me “why dont you date that one boy from church” and i went into a whole rant about how my life isnt for her or my mom to decide and my mom just makes me brush off all my trauma. dawg, the boy at church sexually assaulted me one time but she doesnt care so she wouldnt know. bro literally tried to grab my boobs in front of the fucking pastor and somehow im the hoe in the situation bc im the “woman” in the situation. shes trying to take my headphones cause im “starting to half-do things” but my headphones are the only reason in sane, music calms me down. and i cant get rid of the stress she causes until im at least 16 cause then i could get emancipated.
i need a hug tbh.
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did i mention that shes literally told me i was overreacting while i was having a panic attack over exams?
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i mean she could be worse but shes still pretty bad
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Love, you’re a hella sane to deal with all that and you don’t deserve that. I understand, my mom was the same way. I’m emancipated and live with my girlfriend now. I would recommend finding another escape besides music and mastering the art of ignoring. My mom was a drug addict, she died from a heroin overdose a couple months ago, I didn’t even cry at her funeral.
I know this is bad to say but when I was going through this I used art.
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saltyaf thanks for the advice and trauma buddies <3
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@maybenot-finneas Firstly, Im sorry to hear about your aunt. I wouldn’t know how to feel having a close member of the family having cancer.
The fact that your mom makes you feel like a failure, a people pleaser, please her, and lie to get out of her hurting you mentally or physically really makes me extemely curious how she acts and what she says exactly, if you don’t mind sharing. This is definitely not a good relationship. You can’t even tell her how you feel. That’s really sad. At least you try to disrance yourself every once in a while. But Im also very curious about what you mean about being too attached, also if you don’t mind sharing.
This guy from your church obviously doesnt live his faith, otherwise he’d be way more chaste. Im sorry that clown did what he did. Just imagine if you guys dated. Yikes. I suppose it’d be messy to tell your paster about him. Though I do recommend it. I know you can’t really tell your aunt about this dude, but maybe you can say you got creepy vibes from him or something. I don’t know if they’d believe that though lol.
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