Why aren't I good enough? I don't understand. I'm just as good as the next person...

[Your Local Shadow Simp]

I auditioned for the All-State Choir yesterday.
I had been working on this music for months. Since early to mid-August, mind you.
I did everything I could do to be the best I could have been.
I went to Meistersinger (a 3-day intensive camp), I went to Metrofest, I listened to the music constantly. Even when I got sick with bronchitis. (yes I still have symptoms of it. It’s great.)
Yesterday was the make-or-break day.
I felt really good about my audition.
I only messed up once.
I came in on the wrong note. (I asked for the pitch, since it was the first pitch.) It was really fast, and I realized as soon as it happened.
I asked to restart very kindly and professionally.
The judge was very cool with it, he was really nice, and he seemed really impressed with everything else in my audition, despite the wrong entrance.
I had to wait for hours just for the recall list to come out.
My name wasn’t on the list.
I was either in or I wasn’t.
I had to wait for hours for recalls to finish.
Then I had to wait for the confirmed list to come out.
At that point, I had been up for over 12 hours. I was tired. I was emotional, I was nervous.
The list had come out.
I didn’t want to go look at it right away, because there were a lot of people in there already.
But my director took me anyway, just because she didn’t want anyone to tell me if I got in or not, which I understood.
It was hard to see the list, but I took a zoomed in picture, which allowed me to see blurry names and cities.
I remember that my heart was pounding, and as I went down the list, my stomach sank. I went down that whole list, and I wasn’t there. The section was so small. I didn’t understand. I did all the work. I did what I could. I even did really well on my musicianship.
So…why?
I don’t understand.
I heard people way worse than me.
Why wasn’t I there?
Even as an alternate?
Why?
I left the gym and talked to some friends, to take my mind off of things. I just couldn’t though. I ended up crying, because I was so upset and angry at myself.
I did so well.
I was so proud of myself, but…
I wasn’t good enough.

[yourlocalsanjifan]

@Your-Local-Ghostface-Simp youre way better than what most people consider to be enough

[Your Local Shadow Simp]

yourlocalsanjifan I wish. But All-State is intense.
I felt like I had been enough, but…