Picking up the pieces... One day at a time.

[ry_rylie]

Hey everyone,
I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank box for a long time, not really knowing where to start, because there’s so much I need to say and yet I feel completely drained at the same time. I don’t usually open up this much, but I think I need to. I think I need to let everything spill out before it eats me alive. This community has always been a place where I feel like I can speak and not be drowned out, and right now I need that more than ever.

As some of you might already know, I recently went through a breakup.

That simple sentence feels so small compared to the weight of what it actually means.
I’ve had relationships before, but this one was different… Different in a way that is hard to put into words. I didn’t just like this person. I didn’t just care about them. I loved him in a way I didn’t even know I was capable of. It wasn’t some passing crush or a comfortable routine. It was real, deep, raw love. The kind that seeps into your bones and changes the way you see the world. I let him see every part of me. I trusted him with pieces of my heart that I’ve never given to anyone else. And because of that, losing him feels like someone reached inside me and tore out something I can never get back.
Since the day it ended, everything has felt heavier. The air, the hours, even my own body.
I wake up every morning with this dull ache sitting in my chest, like a weight pressing down that I can’t shake off no matter what I do. Some mornings I just lie there staring at the ceiling, wondering how the world can keep moving when I feel so stuck. I replay conversations in my head, picking apart every word, every look, every moment where maybe I could have done something different. I keep asking myself impossible questions like “What if I had said this instead?” or “What if I had been better?” Even though I know deep down that love shouldn’t be something you have to beg for or twist yourself to keep. But knowing that doesn’t stop the questions. It doesn’t stop the pain.

Eating has become a struggle I never expected. Before all of this, I didn’t think twice about food. It was just part of life. Now, most days, food feels like nothing. My stomach growls but my heart is too heavy to care. I pick at little things here and there, but the thought of actually eating a meal feels impossible. It’s like my body and my mind are disconnected. I know I need to eat to stay healthy, but the pain numbs the hunger. I’ll go through an entire day realizing I’ve only had a few bites of something, and even when people remind me to take care of myself, it’s like I’m watching myself from far away and can’t quite reach. Sleep isn’t much better. I lie awake for hours, my thoughts racing. I see memories like little movies playing behind my eyelids. The way he used to laugh, the way his voice softened when he said my name, the small moments that made me feel safe. I remember all of it and it hurts in a way that’s almost physical. Some nights I cry until I can’t anymore. Other nights I just stare at the dark ceiling, feeling numb and empty, waiting for morning to come so I can start the cycle over again. And through all of this, my self-esteem has been dragged through a storm. I’ve always struggled with it. Always found it hard to believe I’m enough, but this breakup has made those feelings scream louder. It’s like I’m standing in front of a cracked mirror, seeing every flaw, every insecurity, every reason why someone might decide I’m not worth staying for. People tell me I’m beautiful or kind or strong, and I want to believe them, but there’s this voice in my head that whispers, If you were enough, he wouldn’t have left.
That voice is cruel. That voice lies.
And yet, it’s still there.

Despite all of this, I am trying. I really am.
I’m trying to take small steps forward, even when it feels like I’m walking through mud. I’ve started forcing myself to accept compliments instead of brushing them off, even when my first instinct is to argue. I’ve been making a point to compliment myself too. Even tiny things, like noticing that I like the way my hair looks that day or that I managed to get out of bed when I didn’t want to. It sounds small, but these small victories matter. They’re little reminders that I’m still here. That I’m still fighting. I’m also trying to stop hurting myself emotionally over people who don’t stay. I’ve spent too much time letting other people’s choices define my worth, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to keep giving my heart away only to have it broken and then blame myself for the pieces. I want to get better. I want to heal. I want to be someone who can love deeply without completely losing myself when things fall apart. But I won’t lie… Right now it still feels like I’m standing in the middle of a storm that hasn’t passed. Some days the sky clears for a few minutes and I feel a little lighter, but then the clouds roll back in and it feels like I’m drowning again.

Through all of this, one of the few things keeping me grounded has been this site and the people here.
I can’t express enough how thankful I am for this community. The internet can be cruel and chaotic, but somehow this place hasn’t turned into a mess. Somehow, you’ve all created a space that feels safe. That’s rare. That’s special. Especially now, when everything else in my life feels like it’s falling apart, this space has become a lifeline. As one of the only active admins left, I see the effort that goes into keeping this place alive and positive, and I’m endlessly grateful. To the mods who step in when things get messy, to the users who bring kindness into every corner, to everyone who quietly supports others without asking for anything in return, you have no idea how much you mean to me.
So here I am. Still hurting. Still tired. Still trying.
I wish I could say I’m okay, but I’m not there yet. I still cry when I think about what I lost. I still wake up some mornings and wonder how I’m supposed to keep going. But I also know that I don’t want to stay in this darkness forever. Healing is slow. It’s messy. It’s exhausting. But I know that even if it takes a long time, I can find my way back to myself. If you’re reading this and you’re hurting too, please know that you’re not alone. If you’re sitting in your own kind of heartbreak, if you’re questioning your worth, if you’re waking up with that same heavy ache… Please know that someone else understands. I understand. And if I can keep breathing through this, if I can keep taking even the tiniest steps toward healing when everything in me wants to give up, then you can too. We are all stronger than we think, even when we feel our weakest. Thank you. Thank you to the mods who quietly keep this place safe when no one is looking. Thank you to the users who show up with kindness in a world that so often forgets how to be kind. Thank you for giving me a reason to log in when I don’t want to face the day. Thank you for reminding me that even when it feels like everything is falling apart, there are still people who care. You might not realize it, but this community has helped me more than I can ever put into words. You’ve given me a place to land when I feel like I’m free-falling. You’ve given me a reason to keep going when all I want to do is stop. And for that, I will always be grateful.