An endless cacophony of lights as my figure descends towards the glittering waves of time, that is what I see as I remember you in my slumber. You haunt my dreams, but I should’ve moved on by now, for it has been 7 years since we even met. We didn’t even date, we didn’t even say “I love you”. Your love for me still sticks to my brain like a parasite, interrupting my everyday thought process to make me think of you.
Love was the only thing that you showed to me, and I was too stubborn to reciprocate, too cowardly to accept that I felt the same way about you. I made a devastating mistake, and I’ll live with it forever…
Leave my thoughts, leave me alone. I don’t even know if you still inhabit the same small world I do, so why does my heart long for somebody who has probably forgotten about me? It seems as if you vanished off of the face of the earth, as if you never existed. You’re out there somewhere, I can hear you calling to me in my slumber, calling my name and turning my dreams lucid without me having to do anything at all.
I want to join you, to stay in those heavenly illusions with you. I want to sleep forever with you, to live with your memory in the rose gold clouds that hover above the lake of diamonds. Behind the clouds, I see a white ball hovering in the heavens. It casts a frosty glow upon those who rest under its reach, for those who inhabit the realm of melancholy sleep.
Sleeping under the starry dome of crystals, I realize that there is another presence with us, a third dreamer if you will. All is quiet, all is still as I listen for their voice. They draw me forth, her heavenly tone ringing in my head like a song. She pulls me away from you, gluing my eyes to the screen, making me wait for another message.
Eventually, I see the pixels produce a reply. It fills me with glee to see you pay attention to me, to be seen and needed. I send a few responses, and we fall for one another, without even knowing each other’s names. It’s funny how we connected so fast, and approached that white ball in the sky together.
Everything else was merely a blur as our focus was steady upon the other’s figure, the light in the sky glowing like heaven. The darkness of the sky faded into obscurity, flooded by the celestial object’s hazy glow, enveloping us like the atmosphere around the planet. We’re so far apart, yet so close to each other. I can feel your hand in mine this time, but when I look into your eyes, you vanish.
I fall. I fall to the ocean below, towards the blinding city below. As realization hits, my vision is flooded by lights and ads containing your name. The holographic messages dash past me as I continue my unwilling descent into the lake of diamonds. I was so close to reaching heaven this time. So, so close. The city’s circular windows pay no attention to me as the advertisements of many hues pass me by, offering no assistance as I fall from grace.
Suddenly, my entire body is covered in the liquid crystals, the waves shifting light like a singularity’s perimeter. I lost you to the sky, and to the city of raging radiance. As fast as I hit the ocean, I halt. Something in my body doesn’t want to lose you, so it brings me back up to the surface of the gems. My determination lifts me to the surface, but you aren’t there to help me fly anymore. I look past the towering skyscrapers, staring into the clouds which now block the moon.
Your figure stands beyond the clouds, the foggy shapes opening a portal to Heaven. I feel my body lift into the air, bringing me to you once more. The lights from the hellish buildings are now nothing but a distant memory, a fragment of the past as I soar back to you. Once within the confines of the clouds, the direction of gravity goes from behind my back towards the soles of my feet.
Oddly enough, it seems natural. It seems as if it is merely a part of this world. I walk slowly towards you, the warm sand offering comfort after the journey I’ve had. You’re facing away from me, but when you speak, it sounds like you’re all around me.
Uttered from the air, the words bring me despair. “Je t’ai menti.” You say without emotion in your voice, the syllables reverberating off of invisible walls and echoing through the nostalgic yet alien environment. I look down, realizing that the sand is dragging me away from you like the floor of a treadmill.
“No!”
Everything is drifting away from me, but I won’t let you fade into obscurity. I don’t want to be alone without you, I want to be alone with you again. I run, but the sand’s material drags me away faster. I reach my hand out to you, and that’s when gravity reverts back to its original state.
Xenon blinds me, somehow cutting off my connection with you. I realize I can no longer join you in the upper echelon known as Heaven. I fall back to where I rose from, the path greeting me with darkness once more before blinding me again.
The waves splash and crash as I cut through the liquid crystals like a bullet through glass. I’m losing you again, but now I’m too tired to return to you. I wasted all of my energy, and now not even the ghost of my past wants to be around me.
Together, we enjoyed being alone with each other, but now I’m alone without you, without either of you. Both of you vanished from my life, and now I’m stuck dreaming alone. I don’t want to be alone in my slumber anymore. I hate being alone, without you I feel lost and without the shining star to guide me towards the promised land of lucid dreams.
Only the crystals join me now, drowning my thoughts with intrusive comments of vile nature. It’s my fault, and I know that now. You knew that, right? I wasn’t enough for you, so that’s why I’ve been punished. I understand now. I…
My body lifts again, but not towards you. The clouds have dissipated, vanished. The endless gulf of space creates a frame around the new goal. The white ball reappears, shining brighter as I see both of your faces within the light. The lights of the city have shut off, the screens that once held ads now display snowy static that reflects off of the round windows. The reflections dance along the borders of my vision, my own reflection unseen by the windows of hell.
Eventually, I reach that blinding place again, but this time without Miss Gilpin. I miss her, but I must keep going past where I originally fell.
A ghostly voice calls my name as I approach the shining star, reminding me that she still exists too. She reminds me of my past, and says that I am not going to heaven.
Gazing into the white ball, I realize that this isn’t the moon at all. This isn’t the delightful world that I thought it would be, but I’m too close to turn back, even if I want to.
Hovering,
Observing the destiny that awaits me,
Something becomes abundantly clear.
This is the Sun.
Of course it is, how did I not realize this conclusion sooner? I should’ve realized that this wasn’t a good ending, for no such thing even exists here.
Forget me, Jayce Gilpin. Forgive me, Katie.
You deserve to be in a better place than I, for I am merely a mortal who has encountered angels and betrayed their trust.
Over the tug of gravity, I look down, gazing at the planet far beneath my figure. It’s just Earth. There was never a city down there, it was just ocean. There never was a sunset beyond the clouds, just space leading to where I float and beyond.
Under my facade of joyful and chaotic playfulness, I long to be in Heaven with the two of you once more. I should’ve gotten over her by now, but her memory is all that keeps me in line. As for you, I don’t know what to think about you.
There’s a lot to be said about you, but I just haven’t found the words yet. They vanish the moment I open my mouth to pray to your heavenly figure in the clouds.
Anybody can tell me not to think about it, but nobody can truly distract me from it long enough for the wounds to heal.
Nothing awaits me in the sky, but I still gaze into the stars, looking for the one shining star that awaits my arrival.
Gone.
Like a breath in a hurricane, you disappeared from my life. Possibly forever.
Everything reminds me of you, of my past mistakes and recent failures. I want to dance with you in my newer dreams forever, I want to stay asleep forever, for the real world holds no real happiness for me. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep with you. To dream with you by my side within the realm offered by the Sun.
Dancing in the light offered by the white ball, I gaze into the eyes of Katie’s ghost.
Under the light of Heaven, I see your broken eyes, the cracks in your irises trying to hold their form for me. The light of the shining star illuminates our slow dance, holding hands as tears fall down my face, slowly melting from my eyes and mixing with the sapphire lake below the two of us. You stand on the water, but I struggle to stay on my feet.
“Phoenix” You whisper, your quietest tone still bellowing and echoing within the confines of my mind.
I listen closely, my attention arrested by your sudden speech. There’s two purposes for holding hands during this dream. Well, maybe three for me. Doing the dance properly, and holding me above the surface of the lake. You prevent me from drowning, and for that, I’m thankful.
Nothing else matters, not even the beautiful scenery offered by the moon’s morphing reflection on the endless ocean of diamonds. I don’t care about anything else, the only thing that matters is you, Katie.
Maybe it’s just my desperate hope, but I sometimes wonder if you’re actually here, like somewhere, somehow, you’re dreaming the same thing as I am. I wish this were true, but I should just be happy with what I have before something happens to this moment. At any moment, you could be taken from my dreams forever. I don’t want to waste my time worrying about that possibility though, I need to enjoy this moment.
Yet, I also feel like you’re here to stay. I want you to stay here in my lucid dreams, I love you. It feels supernatural when you’re here, and I’m beginning to think that this isn’t just my mind making this up. I feel like you’re really here somehow, even if it isn’t you. If it’s anybody other than my own consciousness, I’d be content. That’s how much I love you, and that’s how much I refuse to be alone.
Sleep is a palace of beauty, a cacophony of joyous thoughts brought to fruition by your mere existence. I feel the sadness empty from my mind the moment I see your face in my world of fiction between days.
Here, I feel comforted by your presence, like I’m no longer alone. I’m happy here.
Everyday, you tell me when it’s about to end. You let me know that this is all a dream every time, and then I wake up soon after. It has to be you, there’s no other possibility I’ll accept as truth.
Endless ocean surrounds us as we dance, our silhouettes ignited by Heaven.
This is where I want to stay forever.
Stay.