Vent <3 TW!! Suicide, Narcissistic mothers, Self-Harm, Depression, Knives, Tall heights, and Other.

[A Former User]

@Depression-Anxiety-Therapy
@everyone
These are all the entries from this and last year.

Thank you for reading my diary
and my comments/Messages were sent to my online therapist.

(This happened yesterday Feb, 26 2023)

Anyways, So it all started yesterday at about 9:00-11:00 Am. I was watching TV. the show on youtube I was watching was about a trans guy on, youtube channel named, “The Offensive (T-Slurr)” He was explaining Lgbt stuff. Kinds like Blair white. Anyways, I was minding my own business when My dad Who was already down stairs told me to change what I was watching as It was not educational and It was just rotting my brain and stuff. I got a little heated as I was getting really interested. So I told him to just leave the room cause I wasn’t changing it. And Besides, My sister got to watch whatever tomfoolery she wanted. He said, “I don’t care. Change it” I yelled back as I have a short fuse, “I don’t want to!” And my mom heard it. She yelled, “What did you say?!” And I said Nothing. She called me upstairs and I went slowly. I stood by her doorframe frustrated that I can’t even watch tv without being bothered. She Asked what was I watching that made dad so mad. I told her In excitement as I was really interested “I was watching a trans man talk about LgbtQ stu-” She Interrupts me and says, “Firstly, we don’t watch any of that LGBf3 stuff. that stuff is the devil. D-E-V-I-L. we don’t believe in any of that because you’ll go to hell. H-E-L-L. From now on you are not to watch, or listen, to anything LGB3 Related. It’s a sin.” I started to look away and cry as a few months before this she accepted me as Bisexual and non binary. But as time went on, she started to show that she didn’t actually care. As she didn’t use He/they and didn’t like me using Haven as my preferred name. Now, She told me how she really feels. I thought she loved me as she said the day she told me That she accepted but Actually, she thought I was sinning. That I was a horrible child for ever believing or even being a part of the Lgbt+ Community. It shows a whole new perspective of how she actually thought when she said the few words “I accept and love you.” Now, I don’t know how to feel or even If I should trust her anymore.

(This happened last year)

Just last year, She called me A piece of (Crap) but used the more harsh word. It was because I brought my ear buds to school with out her knowing but I only needed them for a day. And every time I explained that I would put them back she kept saying “Oh so you thought you could hide it from me? You thought I wouldn’t Notice.” Everytime I said No She said “Yeah?” Like She was making it seem like I was saying Yes? And Getting herself even more mad. The week or day after she called me that I don’t know when we brought Up what happened and she told me she didn’t know She said that. It was such a big thing How could I Remember everything but she just didn’t. She remembered all the events leading up she just told me she didn’t remember herself saying that I was a peice of (Crap) She ended up apologizing while saying “Piece of (Crap)” Over and over again which really triggered me. I told her she can stop saying that and she was Just like “I didnt mean to use Piece of (Crap), I’m just saying sorry for calling you a Piece of (Crap)” Ect.

Online therapist: “What stresses you out”

my mom stresses Me out. She’s constantly reminding me about work I need to be doing and chores and grades and watching my sibling and filling her cup and giving her some food. I feel that I’m the parent here. But then If I complain I would get scolded for being ungrateful. for being lazy. I just want to be left alone. I want to sometimes just… Harm myself. But Like I don’t Want to tell somebody this and they immediately just search up hotlines for me to call and therapists for me to book. I want them to just. Listen. I want to see what’s beyond life. So I can be free and Safe from all stress. Cause this just isn’t it.

(Another Story)

One time I even Put a Knife up to my left wrist It was like 4 am. And I just stood there for like 3 minutes. I ended up putting the knife back and going back to sleep. I didn’t do anything. I just stood there crying.

Online therapist: “Why do you want to die”

Because I’ve been through alot. It’s almost like life is just Kicking me around. I lost my best friend, My Current ex best friend backstabbed me and Gaslit me, My mom stresses me out constantly and doesn’t let me do my own thing, My dad just follows my mom, My counsorlors just talk about suicide hotlines and talk to my parents who are the main problem, and my friends just… Ignore me. I’m an overthinker and over analyze everything. Even the way people type to me or how I type to people. and All I get after telling anyone that is that I’m overthinking everything and or I’m being ungreatful or lazy.

(Another Story)

I’ve been so close to the point very close. One time I went on my balcony which was 3 floors up. I climed over the rialing and just sat there crying. I was scared. I just claimed back up and sat on my bed and broke down.

(Another story)

I’ve also Had a dream of my 4 year old sister who I envyed for having so much attention dying. She was in my arms and she was squirming too much. I was on the Balcony and she fell out of my arms, Falling all the way down. three floors to be at least. I watched her die. I then woke up in a cold sweat and I hugged my sister and cried until about 6am.

[A Former User]

@Haven That’s a lot to read, so ima get started right now.

[A Former User]

@Creati132 I’m sorry, I could make a TL;DR If you need it.

[A Former User]

@Haven No it’s cool, i’m already almost half way done

[A Former User]

@Haven Had to stop reading to do something, but I finished, and wow…you’ve been threw a lot, is it okay if I dm you?

[A Former User]

@Creati132 Yeah It’s fine

[Top Tier JJK Enjoyer]

uh oh, that ain’t good.

[A Former User]

@Ditto-2-0 This made me chuckle :D

[A Former User]

@Haven Kinda shitty that your parents are like that, I hope things get better

[A Former User]

This is horrible and all but uh,

[A Former User]

@Calistaa

[A Former User]

@Calistaa I know that’s Why I added a TW. People can see the triggers before they even click the Post and they can Just Mark as read or skip.

I’m just tryna vent here man :,|

[A Former User]

@Haven But- adding a trigger warning doesn’t fix anything- w- h u h.
Whatever though, who follows that rule?
Hope you feel better

[A Former User]

@Calistaa I don’t think anyone follows the rules anymore

Thanks

[A Former User]

@Calistaa said in Vent <3 TW!! Suicide, Narcissistic mothers, Self-Harm, Depression, Knives, Tall heights, and Other.:

adding a trigger warning doesn’t fix anything

It kinda does tho, It warns people what topics are going to be discussed about to avoid being triggered. Thats kinda why It’s called a Trigger warning :p

[A Former User]

@Haven

[finn.in.outer.space.]

@Calistaa nah ive made posts expressing my suicidal thoughts and no one really says anything

[A Former User]

@finn-dfw-u -._-.

[A Former User]

@InvalidBandit True Hehe

[A Former User]

@Haven Then follow them yourself.