im scared. (BIG TW.) (this is all me being stupid, really. i just had a meltdown and yapped out my thoughts. im sorry to anyone who decides to fully read this.)

[ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤbarks in corner]

im getting thoughts. bad ones. ones about stabbing a knife into my chest, running away, or banging my head into a table until i die. I hate myself and i hate my life. i hate the emotional whiplash my mother gives me and i wish my dad divorced her. I wish i was happy again. I miss when i was 6, and i was happy. I miss being that small, hyper, messy haired child who loved to play. I miss waiting for my dad to tear new pages out of my workbook so i coudl do them. i miss pretending to go to school, sitting on my piano bench like it was a schoolbus and acting like my mother was the principal. I miss those days when i personified my barbie’s shoes, named them, and gave them couples drama. The days when i stomped around in muddy puddles without worrying about staining my shirt. The days when i coudl beg my mom fora toy at walmart without worrying about spending too much money.
I know i’m still a kid, but my mom forced me to grow up. I act immature to people because i can’t at home.
im not looking for comfort or attention. i just wanted to let this out.
everyone sees me as fragile, and now i’m starting to treat myself as such. how easy it woudl be for me to die. how easy it would be for me to take the pair of large scissors on the nightstand that’s in fromt of me as i’m typing this, and shove it down my throat, or stab it into my eye. How easy it would be to jump out of my window and fall to my death. How easy it would be to kill myself. end it all. get myself out of the HELL im in.

im sorry. this is long.

I need therapy. and i can’t get it.

the trembling hands writing this paragraph are the ones of a mentally unwell killer. one who’s blood has not yet stained their hands. the one they plan to murder? themself.

edit: i didn’t state this before but like i said, i don’t especially want comfort or wtv. i appreciate that some of you replied but it just makes me feel guilty in ways i can’t exactly explain.

[Blake]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤbarks in corner Oh… Listen- I’m aware that- You’re not looking for comfort, but- Listen. I love you. You’re my best friend. You’re more than a best friend. I love hanging out with you, giggling with you, being overall stupid with you. I know that you want to kill yourself, and you can’t get a therapist but- I can be your therapist. Please. Let me help. I don’t know if i can but I want to try.

[sorrows]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤbarks in corner hey, i know i don’t know you too well, but if you ever need someone to vent to, or just someone to talk to in general, i could try mybest to talk and give the best advice i could think of
||killing|| yourself may seem like it’s something to consider, but i promise you, it’s better to look more for help than to put everything down and go. im saying this from expierence, and i don’t want you to go through the same thing i did. yes, i know we might have different mindsets, but i hope whatever im trying to say makes sense in your own way of thinking and finds you well.

• With love, Ana