breakdown in class (i dont know who i am and my thoughts dont make sense, a vent post)
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I don’t know who I am.
If i have those feelings can I still Identify with that label? I’m not the same guy as I was at the start of summer, so why does he still love me? I’m not the same as when we met. I get stressed when people like me romantically. I want multiple partners but I dont. I think I hate me more than everyone else does. I’m so confused by my feelings. Who the fuck am I? I don’t even know myself anymore. Why does everyone like sex so much? It seems scary. But I still have those feelings. Asher makes me feel safe, but what will I do when he leaves me too? I wanna die. He thinks I’m pretty. That makes me happy, but I don’t even think I’m pretty. I hate that i wasnt just born a boy. If I was more masculine it wouldn’t be a problem. If I was 18 I could be out of here by now. I could be transitioning. I don’t feel comfortable in my body. My thoughts scare me. I’m short. I’m not skinny enough. My friends always find out when i cut. I just wanna be happy. I don’t know why he loves me. Everyone hates me. I hate me. Talking scares me so why do I love it so much. Sometimes all i was is to fall asleep on a roof cuz maybe then ill fall off in my sleep. I wanna be dead but I dont wanna upset people by trying to end it. I cant take much more of this. Fake happiness isnt good enough for me anymore. Im not good enough for me. Keep lying to me and ill believe it. I’m not a witch but he says I could be.Rain is nice. I cant pass for a boy.
Im sorry. -
i dress like a whole ass girl but guess what? im still a boy, so are you.and look body dysmorphia is normal but you define who are you are, no one else. and asher loves you because youre a good person clay, you deserve to be happy and you will be one day.
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@claybees_ this is fucking amazing. im not saying that how your upset is amazing im saying that this whole post is amazing bc this is seriously what a lot of people fucking deal with and feel like. no offense to anyone who isnt trans but, i feel like most trans women or trans men feel this way and honestly it really hurts when you feel like you dont fit in your own body bc you werent born the gender you were made to be. and it also hurts when you feel like nobody accepts you for who you truly are. people judge you and they judge you big time. bc they’re fucking assholes. they all judge on how your body is or how you dress or how your hair looks or how you talk or even how you walk. and deep down when you seem like others dont accept you for what your trying to be it makes you have the nerve to hate yourself and to make you feel like others hate you too. and when the thoughts in your head say “i fucking hate myself” then the thoughts of “they fucking hate me too so why am i even still here?” it hurts you deep inside and you feel like your not doing your best. but theres ALWAYS a true purpose on why we’re here. no matter if we believe it right now or not. that purpose will soon come to our vision and it’ll soon help us to overcome the things that we hated about ourselves in the past. look clay, killing yourself isnt worth it and neither is hating yourself either. any type of suicide thing isnt any way to go and i have to tell myself that too bc i still cut myself. and sometimes its over the fact where i felt alone and that nobody cares/cared about me. but deep down clay we both know that people really do care about you. its hard to see it bc of everything else but i promise that your going to find out that people care and once you do your going to find yourself better than what you did and thats going to be an amazing moment to see. ill stay with you until that happens tho bc i know how you feel and i care about you. btw, its okay if you dont know how to talk to people as well. talking is a way of sharing out things that have been on your mind or talking in a conversation. you dont have to be a fucking god at speaking to somebody. talking isnt something to be all crazy over. talking is just something that you use somewhat difficult words for.
also, about the relationship im so glad that you were able to find someone who truly makes you happy. thats honestly an amazing thing to hear. and overthinking is normal. we all overthink about something in our lives and most of the time its relationships and it sucks thinking that your parner may not really ever love you back. i overthink a lot too tho, trust me.
and honestly kids wanting to have sex at such a young age is crazy. like i get it but then again i also dont get it?? like it is really scary to think about so i understand that part but like- no smexy time for me đź’€
