I made a post asking if you guys wanted to know what I have been writing in my notebook and like two people said sure so I’ll do it now.
“Monday 8, 2023 - May
Today hasn’t been going as planned. Like at all. I told myself I wouldn’t cry or any any temptations to cut myself and I’m thinking about both of those things. I’m just upset about everything right now. My brother has been lashing out on my mom and me but mostly my mom like all weekend. He ended up messing up her shoulder becoming he got mad that he got caught with stealing my moms weed so he ended up pushing her and called her not okay names. And then yesterday my mom ended up calling me on kayas phone asking me if I could just stay there another night and just go to school with them and then come back home after school because my brother pushed my mom AGAIN for no fucking reason. I obviously wasn’t there and my mom was glad I wasn’t because she said that if I was there I most likely would have gotten hit too. I’m just… scared something bad is going to happen to me or my mom because of my brother’s actions. I feel so bad for my mom but right now I feel bad for xay too. I know im hurting them and not treating them right and it upsets me when they don’t vent to me or when they think they’re hurting me, it gets me to the point where I just break down and cry thinking on why those thoughts are even running through their smart ass brain. I love them with literally everything I have and I’m really trying my best to get my phone back but I feel like everything I do I can never get it back. I already got yelled at my my principal telling me that I can’t have any electronics when if I recall, the vice principal told me that I can’t have any computers not anything else. And now I have to worry about whether or not my principal told my mom because if he did then my mom would know and then me asking for my phone back would just be a no go. I have so much on my mind I can barely think. I still have to deal with the things with my ex stepdad and I’m really stressed about that. He promised my mom that he wouldn’t make me testify and he’s doing the complete opposite. He’s basically off free handed when I am over here still having to go through this. Maybe for him it won’t stick around in his head but I don’t think he notices that it IS going to stay with me for the rest of my life. I’m the one who has to still deal with this and always will be. I feel like everything I even try to do to no remember it, it never works, im useless. I FEEL useless. All the pain I’m going through is slowly starting to get to me. And I can’t cut because I promised xay I wouldn’t. I’m keeping that promise because I can’t break that. They’re my soulmate and I mean that. If I hurt them, I hurt myself. And honest to god, they aren’t hurting me. They’re helping me more than anything. If anyone tells me to break up with the id never listen, I ended up listening once and it almost lead me to kill myself. I’m just stressed. I’m okay. :)”
ik, it’s a lot. i can do my other days if you guys want :]
