Welp, my time has come to submit to it.
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I think its been a bit less than a year since I made a post like this and I’ve been debating on whether or not I should make this post at all, and since you’re reading this (assuming people still think they have reasons to care), then that most likely means I went through with actually posting this. So, here it goes. A vent from the guy who’s done more harm than good, both on and off MPP Forums, and probably doesn’t deserve to say anything after the things he’s said… and for the r#####s in the back, I’m referring to myself. So… phew… here goes.
So… uh… self-deprecation, amirite? I got this issue where, for SOME stupid reason, I overanalyze EVERY little mistake I’ve ever made, even going way back to ones I made when I was literally five years old. I get that we ALL make mistakes, but considering I’m in advanced and even honors classes, it causes any mistakes that I make, with some of them not even being entirely my fault sometimes, to make me feel stupid, and when I feel stupid, I feel like I don’t deserve anything, and when I don’t feel like I deserve anything, I wanna-
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This has been happening, again, since I was five years old, and I never knew if it was because I was a drama queen- er, drama king, I guess, or if I was genuinely mentally ill. I recall this one time when I was five when after I had done something that made my parents disappointed, I felt so bad about it I literally tried to choke myself with my Nintendo DSi charger. Again, I don’t know if I’m over-reacting all the time or if I genuinely need help, but it FEELS like the second. That being said, I’m still afraid to go to therapy or anything like that because I don’t want my parents, grandparent, and anybody else who had a hand in raising me to think that they failed. I don’t want them to feel at fault because they’re not and I never want them to feel like they are, so I’ve always been scared to open up about anything at all. Hell, I still haven’t even come out to my parents that I’m bisexual. I never feel like I deserve anything, even when I do the best that I possibly can and get the best possible outcome. I never give myself the credit. I also don’t believe I deserve to make a vent post like this because of, one, I’ve said very… “out of pocket” things. Things that were offensive and could lead to somebody feeling disrespected or hurt by what I’ve said or done. Because of that, I feel like people would be like, “You of all people don’t deserve to even have your feelings acknowledged.” Then, there’s another reason as to why I don’t believe I deserve to do something like this; other people’s problems. Believe it or not, I DO read others’ vent posts sometimes and, not even gonna lie, it genuinely brings pain in my heart to know that some of y’all go through the things you do, and while it gives me a reason to appreciate what I have a bit more, it also… uh… how do I explain this in a way where people won’t want to kill me? Okay, you know when you complain about something happening to you and your parent(s) or guardian(s) are like “Oh, well there’s starving people in Africa that have way less than you, so you should be grateful”? It’s exactly like that for me. While I do feel bad for what y’all are going through and genuinely hope the best for you it makes me feel like I can’t open up about any of my issues with out being told I’m just complaining, so I have to invalidate my own feelings and just push it down to not seem like I’m complaining over little shit compared to people that are, oh y’know, LITERALLY FUCKING HOMELESS, ACTIVELY HAVE EATING DISORDERS, AND ARE ACTIVELY ABUSED AT HOME! Y’know, THINGS TO ACTUALLY VENT ABOUT, NOT SOME F##### WHINING ABOUT NOT LIKING HIMSELF A BIT!
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Ahem…
I… believe I lost my train of thought, so I guess that’s it for now. Yeah, heh, way to end a vent post, eh? A scripted all-caps mental breakdown in text form. Try not to cringe challenge up in this bitch. Anyways, I’m gonna go end this post now. Sorry for plaguing your unread and/or notifications.*Flip Note: Okay, so two thirds of this was written last night and the last third was written today, so if it sounds like my mood changed a bit at a random point, that’s why.
**Flip Note 2: Oh my fucking god I literally developed a sickness in the middle of the school day because of this r####### wack-ass weather change.
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Flip Ditcher I dont know what harm youre exactly talking about, but everyone deserves to say something. Your feelings arent any lesser value than anyone else. It doesnt matter what you’ve said or done. Even murderers have the chance to speak. That’s why court exists lol
You might struggle to give yourself credit or let the past go, but it is possible. It starts with the small things. Laughing about the past and making yourself feel better about the little mistakes is a good way to move on from it. Yknow, like the line “In two weeks, we’ll be laughing about this.” In the moment of things, I would say that is a harder thing to manage those emotions. I read a long time ago about children who punish themselves severely over any mistake. Mistakes dont define your character, and instead of beating yourself over them, see them as a valuable piece of information to do better in the future.
I hear you on a personal level with worrying about venting about stuff while others “vent about worse stuff.” But everyone struggles in all different ways, and that doesnt make your struggles any less of value to be heard. So don’t compare. It only harms you. If you keep thinking about who is worse off than you, you’ll never be able to acknowledge yourself and your problems for what they are. In reality, there are always worse off people around the world. But does that keep people here on this forum from complaining a bit? Absolutely not, and it shouldnt.
I appreciate you talking about how you feel, despite feeling so unworthy of it. You’re not going unheard (or unread, i suppose lol). I hope you can start valuing your feelings some day, because everyone deserves and needs it.
