Heya

[Shazz_]

Maybe this won’t be helpful if I decide to talk about this on this forum, or maybe it might be (I’ve known many of you for years) but I’ve been needing some reassurance because maybe I’ve been the one doing wrong

I guess I’ve just been, wanting to be personally loved and appreciated by a person I could call my girlfriend, but I’ve been through so many people it’s probably embarrassing and, I hate myself for it. The counter’s stopped at 6, at least of what I can remember. Each experience felt really nice, knowing that maybe this person was the one for me but as every one of those experiences went, it proved to be really heavy on me and light on them. I don’t think I’ve ever treated anyone badly or intentionally hurt, but a trend I’ve come to realize is just what pettiness can do in a relationship. I was cheated on twice, lied to, hurt because I in my honest heart didn’t know something my significant other may have taken it as. And those feelings when you’ve felt hopeless and betrayed really affected me the most. I get so hypertensive I wish I could just reverse time.

I think I also overkill a lot of what I have done as a sign of my appreciation towards those people I wanted to love; some of you may know that I write my own music, and I often create pieces for a lot of them. I probably do so much that it’s considered a risk to continue.
I try really hard to find the peace whenever it is possible in a relationship, but the sad result has always been something that could’ve practically been prevented, and understanding their emotions in those situations is honestly my specialty, as long as they know I want to be genuine in helping them as their boyfriend.

I just rarely open up about this, some of you lovely people might expect someone like me to be perfect but I have my flaws, and I have wishes to be personally known and loved, understood and embraced. I’ve had some acute depression over these years, also due to family, demands and events, but especially just, thinking about loneliness. I guess that’s my fear because I always want to invite someone into my happiness and to share it with me. But it’s been very silent for me, emotionally.

Thanks for listening ❤️‍🩹

[Kayalangford]

Shazz_ aw shazz I’m sorry:( we all are here for you no matter what

[h4lfie]

Shazz_ we all love you here, man, no matter what. i’m very sorry you feel this way, i get the feeling. i hope you feel better. just know none of us dislike you at all.

[Pheo]

I don’t know if you remember, but a few years ago when I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues you helped me get into music. You taught me about chords and scales and helped me with my music production. Thanks to you I decided to pursue music and I slowly started to heal. My mental health improved and music was my motivation to keep living. It might not have been very significant to you or you might not even remember it, but you genuinely saved my life. Shazz, I’m incredibly fortunate to have a friend such as you. I’m not the best at writing about my feelings but… thank you. I owe you my life.

-isak

[Shazz_]

Thanks guys. Unfortunately I’ve given into some self-harm in the past, I interpret feeling pain into deservance, and as an outlet from being so hating on myself. You guys might not hate me, but I can’t help but give into the hate that has had time to shape itself against me

[Kayalangford]

Shazz_ oh:(, I’m sorry…we’re here for you if you need anything just let us know❤️