Mindset Relapse (TW: Suicidal Topics)
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TW: Suicide
A while ago, on another website called Chatogo, I broke up with somebody because they cheated on me with ten other people. On February 11th, 2024, I got a message from her sister saying that she had committed suicide 3 days ago, so that would’ve been February 8th. For months, I hated myself, blamed myself, and used her contact on my phone as a sort of… diary? I vented and said how much I missed her, and told the ghostly contact how much I wish she was alive.
One day, I got a reply. A simple one that read “I Love You.”
I had a mental breakdown that night, and spent the rest of the year until September hating myself and wishing the worst kinds of things upon myself. I hated everything about myself, but kept telling myself that I don’t deserve the sweet release of oblivion. This mindset began to change, and I almost ended my entire life over the thought that I was never good enough, not even for a manipulator like my ex.
I met somebody that day, the day I was going to do it. I was planning on just talking on Chatogo for a bit longer and I met her. She changed my life. Sure, we had a few struggles, but we stayed together in the end.
Her mere existence challenges my old mindset, and she makes me want to be my best self, to be amazing as a person.
But lately, my old thoughts of self loathing are beginning to return. I am constantly going through a mental battle between hating myself and forgiving myself.
Does anybody have any advice on how to make these returning mental habits stay away?
