i'm incredibly pathetic

[your_search_history_scares_me]

My best friend for like- four years. We know basically everything about each other. we’re so close.
I used to hate those feelings i had. The way i felt this weird pang whenever she’d say ‘nobody’ll ever like me’ when she looked at herself in the mirror. Because i did. and she didn’t know.
i did end up telling her.

“Can we stay friends?”
“…why?”
“…because you’re the only good friend i’ve had.”

She’s the only one i know is safe, and i’m the only one who understands her. like- actually.

We’re like each others little secrets. because if someone found out, we’d both be fucking screwed. We’re not dating, but we’re not just friends. The ways we speak to each other are obviously not something someone that just friends would say.
I asked her what we were the other day. she doesn’t know. when i asked her if we were dating, she brushed it off and said we’d talk about it later.

I don’t think we’re both on the same page about this all.

I don’t want to make her uncomfortable and ruin this all. We make jokes about kissing and yet i can sometimes see the tension in her shoulders.

I don’t know if i’m going too slow, or going too fast. i’m willing to wait. i just- i’ve been waiting for a while. i used to call her my girlfriend, but i don’t anymore.

i’m worried she doesn’t see me like i see her.

i think i’m going to talk to her about it.

[your_search_history_scares_me]

update: she does in fact have feelings for me. we may or may not be in a relationship.