👽 ❤

[Metric] Reflection #6.mp3

After everything I’ve gone through, I can’t do this anymore, I simply give up. This feeling of isolation is digging into my skin like thousands of needles injecting me with a melancholy sting. The link cannot be answered, merely a thought, an idea. They are all drifting like boats and ships away from the dock, and my anchor cannot be lifted. It feels like I’m losing people in a crowd, watching their face fade into the rest like they’re sinking into the ocean.

Later I ask myself ‘am I sinking into the water?’. Drowning and unable to breathe or call for help, the gap between me and the surface now growing rapidly. My hopeless cries cannot be heard, for I don’t know how to scream anymore. I have been silenced by my own mind, my body betraying me like an old friend backstabbing me and leaving me to die. Do my friends feel the same way about me?

Lost in the ocean, drifting out to sea and watching the shore get smaller and smaller. I can’t do anything but hope that somebody is able to see me and help me get back to land. But, like a small bird collapsing from the nest too early, I am destined to hit rock bottom.

I see people around me laughing and enjoying life, but it’s like I’m watching them through a bulletproof window, unable to break out and join them. Do they know? Do they care?

Seeing this pains me, and I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is cry quietly to myself, and hope nobody notices. They’d make fun of me if they saw me in such agony, thinking of me as a weak minded fool, unable to get past what they don’t understand.

Everything starts, relationships and friendships. Everything happy goes to everyone else, everybody who deserves it. They never think about us, the people who are unable to break through their own glass window. Everyday is a new beginning for them, thinking that the routine is a healthy reminder of what they have.

Everything ends too, the breakup of a relationship and the sudden halt to a once great friendship. Everything negative goes to us, as if silently handing us a shovel as we look at the dirt and contemplate digging our grave. We always think about them, wishing we could tell them to break the glass and help us through. Everyday is blurring together, the routine becoming a cycle of meaningless choices, for our choices never matter anyways.

I absolutely love MMP and everyone in it! This is my safe space ❤️

I’m still lonely…

(Context:) I went through a breakup recently.

Everyone I care about will drift away after high school, joining the army and such. I don’t want to let them go in a year, I just want to be around them. I want to get into deep topics with my friends. I want to be. I don’t want to do this alone. I don’t want to be alone.metric-reflection-6.mp3

bet

…So I made it into a song rather than spend a good hour trying to put how I feel into words like I usually do!

All I See Finale version.mp3
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V This is the best visual I could find to show how it feels rn. V

I had a girlfriend, and she took my mind off of all my problems whenever she would send a text. Her name was Jayce Gilpin. It was a long distance relationship, but we made it work. She was all the way in Texas, and we were planning to meet sometime. Her sister, however, once Jayce had begun to talk to me less, informed me that my girlfriend was seeing 10 other guys. I looked at my screen in a blank expression, processing this. I asked Jayce if this was true, and she said something about being “polysexual”. I told her that it wasn’t an excuse, and that she never even bothered to ask me if this was okay with me. I broke up with her, then and there.
A few weeks passed, but on February 11th, her sister told me something devastating. “Jayce Gilpin had hung herself three days ago.”
I stared at the cupcakes I had prepared for my birthday, but didn’t really see them, you know? I was lost in thought when somebody asked if I was okay. I replied with a yes, but I was lying through my teeth. They believed me, and wished me a happy birthday. But, it wasn’t a happy one, it was one that was flooded with melancholy thoughts and grief. I didn’t tell anybody.
I told my friend Andrew Iverson about it, and he was there for me. He had gone through a breakup too, and was used by someone as well. He said my situation was much worse than his, but I just wanted him to be happy, rather than worry about me. I just want my friends to be happy.
I usually spent most of my time thinking about her. I used her phone contact as a diary, texting entries every night before going to bed even sadder than before. I said stuff like “I still think about you, and wish you were here.”, “Get out of my head, just stop haunting my dreams with your angelic face.”, “I wish I could join you, not in the fact that you’re dead, but just stay in those dreams with you.” and “All I See, is you next to me. A ghost of you, tangled up in my sheets. The guilt, it eats me up, from the inside out. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but won’t leave my mouth.”
Suddenly, one night, I got a reply. “I love you”.
I cried tears of joy, utterly broken and sleepless. My tears of joy eventually led to full on Ugly Crying. I sent text after text, but never again did the other person reply.

Memories:
Jayce Gilpin.mp3

Emotions:
Ghost of you.mp3

I’m fixing everything.

After all of that horrible day filled with sadness, anger, intensity and even mental anguish I had to go through, I think what someone said just now has finally given me the motivation to push me over the fucking edge.
I’m gonna take a break and talk to my therapist about everything this week, so see you fuckers in a week I guess.

@finneass I feel horrible right now.

@Cyx , Metric, Sega, Kellin Quinn, Natewantstobattle, Me (lmao), Hans Zimmer, and Toby Fox.

If you tell me that “it’s time”, my alarm wakes me from my slumber.

There’s something mystical about gazing into your eyes, seeing every detail within the irises, even though it’s a dream. The glow of heaven leaks into the sun we dance within, the dark interior of this magical celestial body lit dimly by the distant paradise.

Sorry, Miss Gilpin, but I want to fly into heaven with Katie.

Whether it’s real or not, I want to be happy with this depiction of her. Even if my mind is the source of this figure, I’m still happy to spend my time with her.

Hell surrounds us as a dark, starless sky above an ocean of infinite depth. But with you and the light of the shining star, it seems more like Heaven to me.

Anybody can tell me to stop thinking about it, to say that I’m living a lie. But, what if I’m happy in this lie? It’s like I’m living in a time machine, but filtering it to only show the moments that brought me joy or bring me joy in hindsight.

The ghost of you dances with me every night, whispering sweet nothings into my ear as the day moves on to the next.

I want it, but I know I don’t need it. I know I don’t need it, but it brings me joy.

When I’m around your ghostly figure, I feel like I’m with somebody who cares about me like nobody else. You remind me of Ja-

All I see is you next to me, a ghost of you tangled up in my sheets. In a moment of realization, I awake to see the distant light of the real sun, the golden glow making my skin cold with a melancholy sting.

No feeling can compare to the emotions I feel when I hold your transparent hand in mine, not even watching Interstellar or War of the Worlds brings me half the amount of joy you do.

Tapping the keys on a piano leads to me eventually playing every song that reminds me of you. Making art leads to me drawing everything that reminds me of you. Talking to my friends and family doesn’t take my mind off of you for long. You invade my mind like you used to, but instead of bringing me sadness and longing, it brings me bliss.

No, I don’t see, feel, or even hear you when this happens, I just think about you. I wonder, daydream even.

One light, higher than the sun. It’s invisible to some, until it’s time.

The dim but warm light of Heaven’s frosty and blue tinted landscape greets me every time I lay my mind and body to rest, my eyes meeting your turned back.

When I step closer to your sitting figure, you suddenly move, standing up attentively and turning to meet me again with a sweet smile that never fails to make me feel warm.

How long do you wait? Does time move the same for you as it does for me, or is it stretched out like dreams commonly are? If it’s the second option, I sincerely apologize.

Any moment I get to sleep, I want to take it. I want to dance with you.

To slow dance with you, is to experience the touch of an angel.

I can’t stay with you forever, though. I have friends who need me too.

Nothing else matters as much as you.

Everyone is just going about their day as well, just waiting for the time they get to dream about what makes them happy.

Even if I’m happy with you, there’s something about you that makes me even more sad when I’m going about my various affairs during the time of light. I guess that’s just there to balance out my happiness during the pleasant hours we share.

Daytime is a curse that I must live with, but it’s all worth it if I get to spend time with you.

Anyone could tell me that this is unhealthy, and I know it is. But it’s easier than accepting that I’m actually alo-

Staying with this shadow of you is better than thinking about the fact that Miss Gilpin m’a gâché la vie.

However, even when I’m not thinking about anything, sometimes that thought reaches me faster than you can…

All I see is life’s normal transactions, but all I can process is the repeated feedback from my past, the intensity of my thoughts being monitored and forced above a certain threshold.

Don’t let me sleep without the comfort of knowing you’ll be there to dance with me in my dreams, Katie. Whenever I’m left to think about anything else I’m flooded by everything that has happened to me, like getting hit by a bullet train of emotion. Don’t leave me alone in my own mind, I need you to help me feel needed.

Oh, the sweetness of the air…

Why is everything so pleasant when I think of you? You’ve been out of my life for so long, and we only interacted once! …Why.

Outer space seems so cool to me, but I want to just go to that white ball in the middle of our personal hell with you. I want to escape this prison my dreams have led me to, start new adventures within the dreamscape instead of being trapped in the mysterious Sun we have found ourselves in.

Fly with me, help me understand and realize what’s wrong with me. I want to figure everything out and feel like I’m not alone.

Yelling into the abyss, I look for an answer. But nobody came to answer.

Only me. Only you. It’s only us here.

Understand what’s going on inside my mind. Please tell me what’s going on! I need to know why I’m alon-

This is… odd… Why am I feeling this way…? Why do I feel… Everything?

How am I feeling everything at once?

Alone at the edge of the universe… With you… Why am I even thinking about this kind of stuff when I’m right where I want to be?

Tell me, am I being selfish?

Say something!

“By the time you realize, I’ll be gone and you’ll be awake.”

“Eh?”

Everything is suddenly cut off by the appearance of a golden light outside my window. It’s daytime.

“No…”

Have I forgotten something? Why do I feel like I forgot the tail end of the dream?

All is alright, I’ll just ask her once I return…

Understand what’s going on inside my mind.

Nobody else knows me as well as you do, Katie.

Time is moving slower every time.

I can’t see what you think I see.

Nothing makes me happy anymore except you.

Grand oceans loom below us, but you’re always there for me when I need you most.

Mine.

Yours.

Drifting off to that world of slumber once again, I think about you. In my last moments of lucidity, I imagine you next to me, just behind me in my bed as I enter the landscape of dreams.

Right when I cross that barrier, I see that white ball illuminating your mystical and gorgeous frame as you sit cross legged on the glittering surface of the ocean.

Even now, I wonder why I’m writing this rather than dancing with you.

Maybe it’s the part of my brain that wants to see this document be done.

And all I see… is you next to me. A ghost of you, tangled up in my sheets. It’s what I want, not what I need; A

“My dear, come dance with me…”

Shadow of you. That’s been haunting my dreams…

An endless cacophony of lights as my figure descends towards the glittering waves of time, that is what I see as I remember you in my slumber. You haunt my dreams, but I should’ve moved on by now, for it has been 7 years since we even met. We didn’t even date, we didn’t even say “I love you”. Your love for me still sticks to my brain like a parasite, interrupting my everyday thought process to make me think of you.

Love was the only thing that you showed to me, and I was too stubborn to reciprocate, too cowardly to accept that I felt the same way about you. I made a devastating mistake, and I’ll live with it forever…

Leave my thoughts, leave me alone. I don’t even know if you still inhabit the same small world I do, so why does my heart long for somebody who has probably forgotten about me? It seems as if you vanished off of the face of the earth, as if you never existed. You’re out there somewhere, I can hear you calling to me in my slumber, calling my name and turning my dreams lucid without me having to do anything at all.

I want to join you, to stay in those heavenly illusions with you. I want to sleep forever with you, to live with your memory in the rose gold clouds that hover above the lake of diamonds. Behind the clouds, I see a white ball hovering in the heavens. It casts a frosty glow upon those who rest under its reach, for those who inhabit the realm of melancholy sleep.

Sleeping under the starry dome of crystals, I realize that there is another presence with us, a third dreamer if you will. All is quiet, all is still as I listen for their voice. They draw me forth, her heavenly tone ringing in my head like a song. She pulls me away from you, gluing my eyes to the screen, making me wait for another message.

Eventually, I see the pixels produce a reply. It fills me with glee to see you pay attention to me, to be seen and needed. I send a few responses, and we fall for one another, without even knowing each other’s names. It’s funny how we connected so fast, and approached that white ball in the sky together.

Everything else was merely a blur as our focus was steady upon the other’s figure, the light in the sky glowing like heaven. The darkness of the sky faded into obscurity, flooded by the celestial object’s hazy glow, enveloping us like the atmosphere around the planet. We’re so far apart, yet so close to each other. I can feel your hand in mine this time, but when I look into your eyes, you vanish.

I fall. I fall to the ocean below, towards the blinding city below. As realization hits, my vision is flooded by lights and ads containing your name. The holographic messages dash past me as I continue my unwilling descent into the lake of diamonds. I was so close to reaching heaven this time. So, so close. The city’s circular windows pay no attention to me as the advertisements of many hues pass me by, offering no assistance as I fall from grace.

Suddenly, my entire body is covered in the liquid crystals, the waves shifting light like a singularity’s perimeter. I lost you to the sky, and to the city of raging radiance. As fast as I hit the ocean, I halt. Something in my body doesn’t want to lose you, so it brings me back up to the surface of the gems. My determination lifts me to the surface, but you aren’t there to help me fly anymore. I look past the towering skyscrapers, staring into the clouds which now block the moon.

Your figure stands beyond the clouds, the foggy shapes opening a portal to Heaven. I feel my body lift into the air, bringing me to you once more. The lights from the hellish buildings are now nothing but a distant memory, a fragment of the past as I soar back to you. Once within the confines of the clouds, the direction of gravity goes from behind my back towards the soles of my feet.

Oddly enough, it seems natural. It seems as if it is merely a part of this world. I walk slowly towards you, the warm sand offering comfort after the journey I’ve had. You’re facing away from me, but when you speak, it sounds like you’re all around me.

Uttered from the air, the words bring me despair. “Je t’ai menti.” You say without emotion in your voice, the syllables reverberating off of invisible walls and echoing through the nostalgic yet alien environment. I look down, realizing that the sand is dragging me away from you like the floor of a treadmill.

“No!”

Everything is drifting away from me, but I won’t let you fade into obscurity. I don’t want to be alone without you, I want to be alone with you again. I run, but the sand’s material drags me away faster. I reach my hand out to you, and that’s when gravity reverts back to its original state.

Xenon blinds me, somehow cutting off my connection with you. I realize I can no longer join you in the upper echelon known as Heaven. I fall back to where I rose from, the path greeting me with darkness once more before blinding me again.

The waves splash and crash as I cut through the liquid crystals like a bullet through glass. I’m losing you again, but now I’m too tired to return to you. I wasted all of my energy, and now not even the ghost of my past wants to be around me.

Together, we enjoyed being alone with each other, but now I’m alone without you, without either of you. Both of you vanished from my life, and now I’m stuck dreaming alone. I don’t want to be alone in my slumber anymore. I hate being alone, without you I feel lost and without the shining star to guide me towards the promised land of lucid dreams.

Only the crystals join me now, drowning my thoughts with intrusive comments of vile nature. It’s my fault, and I know that now. You knew that, right? I wasn’t enough for you, so that’s why I’ve been punished. I understand now. I…

My body lifts again, but not towards you. The clouds have dissipated, vanished. The endless gulf of space creates a frame around the new goal. The white ball reappears, shining brighter as I see both of your faces within the light. The lights of the city have shut off, the screens that once held ads now display snowy static that reflects off of the round windows. The reflections dance along the borders of my vision, my own reflection unseen by the windows of hell.

Eventually, I reach that blinding place again, but this time without Miss Gilpin. I miss her, but I must keep going past where I originally fell.

A ghostly voice calls my name as I approach the shining star, reminding me that she still exists too. She reminds me of my past, and says that I am not going to heaven.

Gazing into the white ball, I realize that this isn’t the moon at all. This isn’t the delightful world that I thought it would be, but I’m too close to turn back, even if I want to.

Hovering,

Observing the destiny that awaits me,

Something becomes abundantly clear.

This is the Sun.

Of course it is, how did I not realize this conclusion sooner? I should’ve realized that this wasn’t a good ending, for no such thing even exists here.

Forget me, Jayce Gilpin. Forgive me, Katie.

You deserve to be in a better place than I, for I am merely a mortal who has encountered angels and betrayed their trust.

Over the tug of gravity, I look down, gazing at the planet far beneath my figure. It’s just Earth. There was never a city down there, it was just ocean. There never was a sunset beyond the clouds, just space leading to where I float and beyond.

Under my facade of joyful and chaotic playfulness, I long to be in Heaven with the two of you once more. I should’ve gotten over her by now, but her memory is all that keeps me in line. As for you, I don’t know what to think about you.

There’s a lot to be said about you, but I just haven’t found the words yet. They vanish the moment I open my mouth to pray to your heavenly figure in the clouds.

Anybody can tell me not to think about it, but nobody can truly distract me from it long enough for the wounds to heal.

Nothing awaits me in the sky, but I still gaze into the stars, looking for the one shining star that awaits my arrival.

Gone.

Like a breath in a hurricane, you disappeared from my life. Possibly forever.

Everything reminds me of you, of my past mistakes and recent failures. I want to dance with you in my newer dreams forever, I want to stay asleep forever, for the real world holds no real happiness for me. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep with you. To dream with you by my side within the realm offered by the Sun.

Dancing in the light offered by the white ball, I gaze into the eyes of Katie’s ghost.

Under the light of Heaven, I see your broken eyes, the cracks in your irises trying to hold their form for me. The light of the shining star illuminates our slow dance, holding hands as tears fall down my face, slowly melting from my eyes and mixing with the sapphire lake below the two of us. You stand on the water, but I struggle to stay on my feet.

“Phoenix” You whisper, your quietest tone still bellowing and echoing within the confines of my mind.

I listen closely, my attention arrested by your sudden speech. There’s two purposes for holding hands during this dream. Well, maybe three for me. Doing the dance properly, and holding me above the surface of the lake. You prevent me from drowning, and for that, I’m thankful.

Nothing else matters, not even the beautiful scenery offered by the moon’s morphing reflection on the endless ocean of diamonds. I don’t care about anything else, the only thing that matters is you, Katie.

Maybe it’s just my desperate hope, but I sometimes wonder if you’re actually here, like somewhere, somehow, you’re dreaming the same thing as I am. I wish this were true, but I should just be happy with what I have before something happens to this moment. At any moment, you could be taken from my dreams forever. I don’t want to waste my time worrying about that possibility though, I need to enjoy this moment.

Yet, I also feel like you’re here to stay. I want you to stay here in my lucid dreams, I love you. It feels supernatural when you’re here, and I’m beginning to think that this isn’t just my mind making this up. I feel like you’re really here somehow, even if it isn’t you. If it’s anybody other than my own consciousness, I’d be content. That’s how much I love you, and that’s how much I refuse to be alone.

Sleep is a palace of beauty, a cacophony of joyous thoughts brought to fruition by your mere existence. I feel the sadness empty from my mind the moment I see your face in my world of fiction between days.

Here, I feel comforted by your presence, like I’m no longer alone. I’m happy here.

Everyday, you tell me when it’s about to end. You let me know that this is all a dream every time, and then I wake up soon after. It has to be you, there’s no other possibility I’ll accept as truth.

Endless ocean surrounds us as we dance, our silhouettes ignited by Heaven.

This is where I want to stay forever.

Stay.

@Izzy I doubt it, everyone is pretty on the inside, homie