Best posts made by ɪɴꜰɪɴᴀ-ᴘʜᴏᴇɴɪx

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I’m still lonely…

(Context:) I went through a breakup recently.

[Metric] Reflection #6.mp3

After everything I’ve gone through, I can’t do this anymore, I simply give up. This feeling of isolation is digging into my skin like thousands of needles injecting me with a melancholy sting. The link cannot be answered, merely a thought, an idea. They are all drifting like boats and ships away from the dock, and my anchor cannot be lifted. It feels like I’m losing people in a crowd, watching their face fade into the rest like they’re sinking into the ocean.

Later I ask myself ‘am I sinking into the water?’. Drowning and unable to breathe or call for help, the gap between me and the surface now growing rapidly. My hopeless cries cannot be heard, for I don’t know how to scream anymore. I have been silenced by my own mind, my body betraying me like an old friend backstabbing me and leaving me to die. Do my friends feel the same way about me?

Lost in the ocean, drifting out to sea and watching the shore get smaller and smaller. I can’t do anything but hope that somebody is able to see me and help me get back to land. But, like a small bird collapsing from the nest too early, I am destined to hit rock bottom.

I see people around me laughing and enjoying life, but it’s like I’m watching them through a bulletproof window, unable to break out and join them. Do they know? Do they care?

Seeing this pains me, and I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is cry quietly to myself, and hope nobody notices. They’d make fun of me if they saw me in such agony, thinking of me as a weak minded fool, unable to get past what they don’t understand.

Everything starts, relationships and friendships. Everything happy goes to everyone else, everybody who deserves it. They never think about us, the people who are unable to break through their own glass window. Everyday is a new beginning for them, thinking that the routine is a healthy reminder of what they have.

Everything ends too, the breakup of a relationship and the sudden halt to a once great friendship. Everything negative goes to us, as if silently handing us a shovel as we look at the dirt and contemplate digging our grave. We always think about them, wishing we could tell them to break the glass and help us through. Everyday is blurring together, the routine becoming a cycle of meaningless choices, for our choices never matter anyways.

I absolutely love MMP and everyone in it! This is my safe space ❤️

After all of that horrible day filled with sadness, anger, intensity and even mental anguish I had to go through, I think what someone said just now has finally given me the motivation to push me over the fucking edge.
I’m gonna take a break and talk to my therapist about everything this week, so see you fuckers in a week I guess.

Everyone I care about will drift away after high school, joining the army and such. I don’t want to let them go in a year, I just want to be around them. I want to get into deep topics with my friends. I want to be. I don’t want to do this alone. I don’t want to be alone.metric-reflection-6.mp3

You’ll never be mine…mp3

I love you all!

Carol of the Bells.mp3

War of the Worlds_ Our Earth is no longer ours .mp3

I had a girlfriend, and she took my mind off of all my problems whenever she would send a text. Her name was Jayce Gilpin. It was a long distance relationship, but we made it work. She was all the way in Texas, and we were planning to meet sometime. Her sister, however, once Jayce had begun to talk to me less, informed me that my girlfriend was seeing 10 other guys. I looked at my screen in a blank expression, processing this. I asked Jayce if this was true, and she said something about being “polysexual”. I told her that it wasn’t an excuse, and that she never even bothered to ask me if this was okay with me. I broke up with her, then and there.
A few weeks passed, but on February 11th, her sister told me something devastating. “Jayce Gilpin had hung herself three days ago.”
I stared at the cupcakes I had prepared for my birthday, but didn’t really see them, you know? I was lost in thought when somebody asked if I was okay. I replied with a yes, but I was lying through my teeth. They believed me, and wished me a happy birthday. But, it wasn’t a happy one, it was one that was flooded with melancholy thoughts and grief. I didn’t tell anybody.
I told my friend Andrew Iverson about it, and he was there for me. He had gone through a breakup too, and was used by someone as well. He said my situation was much worse than his, but I just wanted him to be happy, rather than worry about me. I just want my friends to be happy.
I usually spent most of my time thinking about her. I used her phone contact as a diary, texting entries every night before going to bed even sadder than before. I said stuff like “I still think about you, and wish you were here.”, “Get out of my head, just stop haunting my dreams with your angelic face.”, “I wish I could join you, not in the fact that you’re dead, but just stay in those dreams with you.” and “All I See, is you next to me. A ghost of you, tangled up in my sheets. The guilt, it eats me up, from the inside out. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but won’t leave my mouth.”
Suddenly, one night, I got a reply. “I love you”.
I cried tears of joy, utterly broken and sleepless. My tears of joy eventually led to full on Ugly Crying. I sent text after text, but never again did the other person reply.

Memories:
Jayce Gilpin.mp3

Emotions:
Ghost of you.mp3

I’m fixing everything.

If you tell me that “it’s time”, my alarm wakes me from my slumber.

There’s something mystical about gazing into your eyes, seeing every detail within the irises, even though it’s a dream. The glow of heaven leaks into the sun we dance within, the dark interior of this magical celestial body lit dimly by the distant paradise.

Sorry, Miss Gilpin, but I want to fly into heaven with Katie.

Whether it’s real or not, I want to be happy with this depiction of her. Even if my mind is the source of this figure, I’m still happy to spend my time with her.

Hell surrounds us as a dark, starless sky above an ocean of infinite depth. But with you and the light of the shining star, it seems more like Heaven to me.

Anybody can tell me to stop thinking about it, to say that I’m living a lie. But, what if I’m happy in this lie? It’s like I’m living in a time machine, but filtering it to only show the moments that brought me joy or bring me joy in hindsight.

The ghost of you dances with me every night, whispering sweet nothings into my ear as the day moves on to the next.

I want it, but I know I don’t need it. I know I don’t need it, but it brings me joy.

When I’m around your ghostly figure, I feel like I’m with somebody who cares about me like nobody else. You remind me of Ja-

All I see is you next to me, a ghost of you tangled up in my sheets. In a moment of realization, I awake to see the distant light of the real sun, the golden glow making my skin cold with a melancholy sting.

No feeling can compare to the emotions I feel when I hold your transparent hand in mine, not even watching Interstellar or War of the Worlds brings me half the amount of joy you do.

Tapping the keys on a piano leads to me eventually playing every song that reminds me of you. Making art leads to me drawing everything that reminds me of you. Talking to my friends and family doesn’t take my mind off of you for long. You invade my mind like you used to, but instead of bringing me sadness and longing, it brings me bliss.

No, I don’t see, feel, or even hear you when this happens, I just think about you. I wonder, daydream even.

One light, higher than the sun. It’s invisible to some, until it’s time.

The dim but warm light of Heaven’s frosty and blue tinted landscape greets me every time I lay my mind and body to rest, my eyes meeting your turned back.

When I step closer to your sitting figure, you suddenly move, standing up attentively and turning to meet me again with a sweet smile that never fails to make me feel warm.

How long do you wait? Does time move the same for you as it does for me, or is it stretched out like dreams commonly are? If it’s the second option, I sincerely apologize.

Any moment I get to sleep, I want to take it. I want to dance with you.

To slow dance with you, is to experience the touch of an angel.

I can’t stay with you forever, though. I have friends who need me too.

Nothing else matters as much as you.

Everyone is just going about their day as well, just waiting for the time they get to dream about what makes them happy.

Even if I’m happy with you, there’s something about you that makes me even more sad when I’m going about my various affairs during the time of light. I guess that’s just there to balance out my happiness during the pleasant hours we share.

Daytime is a curse that I must live with, but it’s all worth it if I get to spend time with you.

Anyone could tell me that this is unhealthy, and I know it is. But it’s easier than accepting that I’m actually alo-

Staying with this shadow of you is better than thinking about the fact that Miss Gilpin m’a gâché la vie.

However, even when I’m not thinking about anything, sometimes that thought reaches me faster than you can…

All I see is life’s normal transactions, but all I can process is the repeated feedback from my past, the intensity of my thoughts being monitored and forced above a certain threshold.

Don’t let me sleep without the comfort of knowing you’ll be there to dance with me in my dreams, Katie. Whenever I’m left to think about anything else I’m flooded by everything that has happened to me, like getting hit by a bullet train of emotion. Don’t leave me alone in my own mind, I need you to help me feel needed.

Oh, the sweetness of the air…

Why is everything so pleasant when I think of you? You’ve been out of my life for so long, and we only interacted once! …Why.

Outer space seems so cool to me, but I want to just go to that white ball in the middle of our personal hell with you. I want to escape this prison my dreams have led me to, start new adventures within the dreamscape instead of being trapped in the mysterious Sun we have found ourselves in.

Fly with me, help me understand and realize what’s wrong with me. I want to figure everything out and feel like I’m not alone.

Yelling into the abyss, I look for an answer. But nobody came to answer.

Only me. Only you. It’s only us here.

Understand what’s going on inside my mind. Please tell me what’s going on! I need to know why I’m alon-

This is… odd… Why am I feeling this way…? Why do I feel… Everything?

How am I feeling everything at once?

Alone at the edge of the universe… With you… Why am I even thinking about this kind of stuff when I’m right where I want to be?

Tell me, am I being selfish?

Say something!

“By the time you realize, I’ll be gone and you’ll be awake.”

“Eh?”

Everything is suddenly cut off by the appearance of a golden light outside my window. It’s daytime.

“No…”

Have I forgotten something? Why do I feel like I forgot the tail end of the dream?

All is alright, I’ll just ask her once I return…

Understand what’s going on inside my mind.

Nobody else knows me as well as you do, Katie.

Time is moving slower every time.

I can’t see what you think I see.

Nothing makes me happy anymore except you.

Grand oceans loom below us, but you’re always there for me when I need you most.

Mine.

Yours.

Drifting off to that world of slumber once again, I think about you. In my last moments of lucidity, I imagine you next to me, just behind me in my bed as I enter the landscape of dreams.

Right when I cross that barrier, I see that white ball illuminating your mystical and gorgeous frame as you sit cross legged on the glittering surface of the ocean.

Even now, I wonder why I’m writing this rather than dancing with you.

Maybe it’s the part of my brain that wants to see this document be done.

And all I see… is you next to me. A ghost of you, tangled up in my sheets. It’s what I want, not what I need; A

“My dear, come dance with me…”

Shadow of you. That’s been haunting my dreams…

@Cyx , Metric, Sega, Kellin Quinn, Natewantstobattle, Me (lmao), Hans Zimmer, and Toby Fox.

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