What's wrong with me? TW: Mentions of Drugs, SA and ED.

{_𝐘𝐋𝐋_}

I typically don't vent, mainly cause I feel terrible when I do but I genuinely can't hold this in anymore.

TW: Drug use.
There was one point in my life that it had gotten so incredibly low that instead of talking to someone, I went down a dark path, drugs. I had used drugs whenever I felt upset or anytime I needed to get rid of the hurt and trauma I had. I ended up becoming dependent on it for about 3 years before I was admitted to rehab because my mom had found some drugs.

I'm now currently off drugs and I've only relapsed once in 2022-2023 which is the main reason why I was gone for so long.

TW: Mentions of ED
I have body dysmorphia, I can barely look in the mirror without feeling bad about how I look. My mother doesn't make it any better considering she's the one who makes it so bad. I may look confident, but in reality, I'm not, that's just a front so people don't see how pathetic I am.
One day, my mom made a comment about how much I ate. This is what really triggered my ED and BD. My sister laughed along with her. I laughed along too but in reality, I wanted just to cry right there.

I ended up starving myself to the point I could see my ribcage. I look more healthy now but, I can barely eat and am still working on it.

TW: Mentions of SA
On January 6th, I was sexually assaulted in a restroom by a teenage boy.
But, apparently, it was my fault, I had invited him in by my clothing. I told my mom about it and she told me I deserved it. Saying I was a wh*re and a sl*t and more insults. She continued to humiliate me until we got home.

Aftermath:
I dunno. .I feel like I can be as good as she wants me to be if I just pretend for her and just fucking try harder but. .I’m drained and I just wanna relapse back to drugs but I can’t cause I fucking promised I wouldn’t after Rehab. .I just. .I dunno what to do.

It’s silly really. I should just be better and I’m not. What did I do to deserve this? I’m sorry I’m pathetic.

Edit:
I'm at a point in my life where a lot of people have shown their true colors too me and that everything we had was fake considering she chose me over a shitty dude who ended up feeding her lies about me and some of my other friends. This ended whatever I had with the other group of "Friends" because some people can't admit what petty things they've done.

Two of my friends we're kicked because some people we're "uncomfortable" with them, which in actual reality, they just wanted to finally get rid of me and some others who had a backbone. I asked a simple question of why they we're kicked which btw, I never even said who the question was towards, I just took a ss of the logs and showed them what I was talking about. They assumed I had a problem and instantly attacked me. This went on for a while, about maybe 1-2 hours.

Repeadetly, they'd come into the server and insult us. It finally stopped when the owner and one other person [The owner needed someone to suck her dick while she lies not only on my name but multiple others considering she's a coward.] in this situation had a sit down with one of my friends who had left said server months ago.

Just now I contacted one of the people who I was arguing with who had sent me a message hours ago but because I had been upset I sent a petty message since they had sent me a message saying "Womp womp womp" <--- Something I said a lot to only ONE person as a greeting.

Attacker A:
Sorry olive [I went by this name] but the amount of people uncomfortable with them and you, the statuses about someone else’s relationship, as well as how kota, luan [Bringing up OLD drama from 2023] , etc used to say Kys everyday to someone in another server for making a harmless joke [Which was a lie considering they had already explained and everyone was fine with it, Attacker A just wasn't on good terms with them atm.], the amount of bullshit, talking about me and other behind out back [Something they did as well but I actually had the balls to say it too said persons face and admit it.], etc, that’s a few reasons why your not in the server. Its also rosies server, she doesn’t need a reason to remove someone as well, remember who the owner is and stop pretending you are superior to everyone, maybe we would have left you guys stay if yall cleaned up your act. 💛

My first response:
I’m not reading allat [I read it]

My response hours later:
Also, I don’t need to act like I’m “Superior to everyone” because I know I’m not. Y’all already know I have an attitude 24/7 [I already explained to them prior when all of us first became friends that I was quite a rude person with an aggressive way of typing but to not take it seriously unless in an argument]. I never was specifically asking Rosie why she kicked them, I was asking IN GENERAL, maybe instead of assuming I had a problem y’all at least could’ve let me explain why I was even asking without immediately attacking me. Ik I was an asshole and yes, I do need to clean up my act with how I speak to people, but at least I can admit I’ve talked about people [Not saying you did, considering you weren’t one to talk about people]. But about the whole kys jokes, you need to speak to Luan and Kota about that considering that’s not really relevant to what happened [Quite literally, ts happened at the end of summer, early school year.]. But at least you were the most mature one and didn’t attack me. [<--- You instead sent TWO of your friends where one attacked me in my dms without even knowing what was going on. While you and you're two friends joined the server and attacked us like the dickriders they are.]

But genuinely, if y’all wanna come and speak to me and some of the others, WITHOUT bringing in other people who weren’t even in the argument then you can.

And again, the whole thing about the “kys” statements were genuinely just jokes, they weren’t meant to harm anyone. [<--- Mind you, one of the people she's friends with had talked shit about her AND said kys jokes as well. But yk, YLL bad because she doesn't lie like y'all do.]

Olive < 3

I'll update when I have a reply, this whole thing truly showed me why I even have a fear of venting, abandonment, trust issues, etc. Honestly, after this and many other incidents with 3 other people, I probably won't trust or get attached to someone after this ever again.

Amy!!

{_𝐘𝐋𝐋_}
… do you, do you need to just, trama dump on someone? I’m here for you yll… if you ever need someone to, yk. Trama dump, vent, etc, just PM/Contact me on Discord. I’ll listen.
and I’m terribly sorry your mother is like that… if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. <3

{_𝐘𝐋𝐋_}

@Cassie Thank you, I'll make sure too reach out if I ever need too talk, the same goes for you as well <3

Amy!!

{_𝐘𝐋𝐋_} love you, yll. /p

{_𝐘𝐋𝐋_}

@Cassie Love you too :] {/p}

Im galaxy-extreme sorry to hear this, also a mom that says you deserve it when you get sexual assaulted? nah WTF…

finneass <33

woah. thats a lot. i get going through a lot on anothrr level and you know im always here for you. ❤

What's wrong with me? TW: Mentions of Drugs, SA and ED.

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