I can't keep living like this . (TW suicide)
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I don’t even know what this post is about. It’s just a jumbled mess of all the thoughts I’ve been suppressing. You don’t need to read all of this. If I were you, I certainly wouldn’t. I’m just a guy you’ll never know. Just one soul amongst the masses.
I feel like I have no real personality. I’ve just taken mannerisms from people I know and made them my own. I’m always trying to say the right thing, and do the same things that all the happy people do. Despite this, I’m still the weirdo. My only personality trait is anxiety. At this point, I don’t even feel real anymore. I’m just an object. One that never gets acknowledged. Like a background character with no real purpose other than to just be there. People obviously don’t want to talk to me. They see me as a pitiful mess that they’d rather keep out of their lives. And the best way to do that is to never acknowledge me as a person in the first place
I also keep hurting people I care about. My friends don’t seem to realise how fucked up I’ve become. Whenever someone gets to know me a bit too well, I start to distance myself from them to keep myself safe. I physically can’t allow myself to be vulnerable, and I end up going to extreme lengths to keep myself isolated. In that way, my inability to allow myself to be vulnerable has become my biggest flaw. I don’t want to be like this. Maybe there’s just something fundamentally wrong with my brain that’s made me like this, or maybe years of feeling invisible has taken its toll on me.
Honestly, life feels kind of hopeless at this point. Maybe it was rigged from the start. I have no desire to keep on living, but I still cannot bring myself to end it all. Even though it would end my suffering, it would only cause more harm. So right now I’m stuck in limbo. I can’t keep on living like this, but at the same time I cannot die. Therapy isn’t going to get me through this. Im too far gone.
I’m sorry about this. I’m guessing around 3 people will read this, then immediately go back to acting like I don’t exist. If that is the case, it’s fine. I’m just thankful that you listened to me.
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I’ve read this, but certainly don’t have the ignorance or carelessness that you described; despite barely knowing you, I care about, empathise with, and want to support you. I’ve experience (and still experience) this - what psychologists call identity diffusion, disorganised attachment, and dissociation from reality - as well as loneliness and loss of friends (including my soulmate) due to it, so know that this won’t fade with time or repression. What you need is real human support (and some therapists, like yours, are too cold/detached to realise this) to help you learn, grow, and heal - and I’ll be glad to provide this to you; sometimes, we also have to learn things the hard way - by losing things/people dear to us, and trying not to repeat the mistakes that caused it to prevent further pain to yourself and others. Please, do not kill yourself; no matter bleak it may look now, I promise that there is hope in your future if you keep going, and that you are much stronger than you think. It was incredibly brave of you to reach out to us, and I know you can continue this bravery to try to finally live and not just exist.
