Vent (Tw. Suicidal thoughts)

[Sphinx]

So… As a kid, after my sister was born when I was ten, the attention quickly shifted to her.

So as a kid I never really got attention. Except for negative attention.

Even when I tried to make my mom proud, she never was. But instead disliked my talents and called me an attention seeker whenever I explain my interests to people.

So now that I ran away from her and I’m in a better place, asking for attention in a positive and healthy way is hard.

I usually revert back to my, “Bothering people for attention then getting mad when they get mad (also for attention” tactic. I’ve been told by my stepmom that I don’t need to do this anymore for attention and all I need to do is ask.

But it’s hard. That and my bio mom sucks. She is petty, emotionally abusive, and had me develop depression, anxiety, and childhood trauma but refused to take me to a therapist to get diagnosed because “God didn’t make me that way” or “Generational trauma stops with you”
My bio dad has ADD and I have CLEAR SIGNS of ADHD but she didn’t want me to go to the doctor because “I am just lazy… Or… I make excuses” and I need to pray harder

Right now I feel like crying… I want to kill myself because I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I feel like a stupid spoiler brat. I feel like everyone hates me but doesn’t tell me. My bio mom already told me “I want nothing to do with you” she hates me. She won’t let me talk to my 6 year old sister. I’m going to miss so many birthdays… I hate me.