Vent <3 TW!! Suicide, Narcissistic mothers, Self-Harm, Depression, Knives, Tall heights, and Other.
-
@Haven Firstly, sorry I wrote so much about each paragraph. I feel very strong about your story. And I really don’t want to sound corny, but when I first read your stories in the past, I couldn’t wait to reply, but I wasn’t sure how. Secondly, your posts a while ago, I saved a doc replying to them a long time ago, and I was meaning to share it back then, but… then time went by and I wasn’t sure if it’d be weird now or anything. I wanted to make a whole post one day since it had been so long but I really didn’t want to seem like I was calling you out or anything. I responded to each paragraph labeled below:
(Part 1) “(This happened yesterday Feb, 26 2023)”
Even if your mom doesn’t agree with the lgtbq’s, it’s not like she should lie that she supports you and then not actually support you. I mean, she doesn’t have to support something she believes goes against her religion, but she should still love you and treat you right. You’re her child, so it’s just the right thing to do. I think she wanted to accept you for being bi and non binary to make you feel happy, but didn’t really want to since she doesn’t really agree with it. But lying about how she felt wasn’t really right in my opinion. I think what she should have said from the beginning was the truth, like, “I may not agree with you, but I’ll still always love you,” or something like that. Everyone naturally disagrees and judges others, but I feel like we should not treat people poorly just because people’s beliefs collide with ours. But also, you should not lie about it just because you’re afraid of how someone would react. A part of being your mom is for her to be honest. It hurts more if she reveals that stuff later on than if she just said how she felt in the first place. If it hurts, it hurts, but at least you wouldn’t have been deceived from the beginning, yknow? -
This post is deleted! -
@Haven I see that you’ve been through a lot, and I truly hope that your mental well-being hasn’t degraded to the point of becoming your major problem due to any causes that may be. Whether it’s your parent’s interference, attempts at suicide and the big one of them all, depression, you’ve been the fighter - pushing your way out of these moments, and having the strong heart to manage each one of them, to then make aware the reality of your situations to others. I understand these delicate concepts, for you’re obviously not alone - although some widely contrast, the main point here remains very real. Struggles can be hard to process, but what should always happen in this context, is getting the resolution and acceptance that you very well deserve, not only because you are loved, but also because there is nothing wrong with what you want to be. There should never be. But as for some individuals that despise certain things but their own requirements, that they think are the only correct way out for their children, it can seem unlivable and hopeless.
And these things can very well influence other parts of the mind. In your dreams, as you state, previous happenings and thoughts impact the functions as to what emerges into a dream. This is frankly a real fact, and in general it happens all the time. But always having troubling dreams very frequently is of concern.
Nevertheless, we’re thankful to have you, and to have learnt about these diary entries - it has showed and explained a lot to me, and has given me time to dedicate some thought about your troubles.
And I’m very thankful you have a Therapist. Having someone to legitimately discuss these things with is a vital choice
-
@Haven
(Part 2) “(This happened last year)”
This is the story I wanted to reply to last year, so I’m glad you mentioned it again.“Oh so you thought you could hide it from me? You thought I wouldn’t Notice"
When your mom said this, all I could think of was one person I know. And they say those exact types of phrases. Which, these things your mom says to you, they’re just huge assumptions she creates in her head because she feels threatened. Let me explain what I mean. Most parents want to control what their kids do and raise them a certain way, which is pretty normal. But narcissists think that their kid is always trying to disobey them since they have an extremely fragile ego that they can’t let be messed with by anyone, let alone “disobedient kids.” Threats to their parenting skills and control are huge triggers. Narcissists can never be told they’re wrong. And the worst part of being the child of a narcissist is when they make huge assumptions about things you do. They’re hyper conscious about who’s trying to “get” or “pull one over” on them. And since narcissists are very scared that people are after them and their power, they will attack you. This creates that feeling of having to walk on eggshells because you don’t know when the narcissist will make up another assumption and attack you once again. And it’s not even like you can just tell them they’re wrong, either. Because you can’t.
-
holy shit ill fr have to read this when my eyes don’t hurt and when im not on phone
-
@Haven
(Part 2.5) “(This happened last year)”
“she told me she didn’t know She said that. It was such a big thing How could I Remember everything but she just didn’t.”I know a narcissist who says that exact phrase about “not knowing how you remember what they did.” And that’s pure gaslighting. A lot of people think narcissists can never apologize for their mistakes, but actually, they can. They can at least in a certain way where it is also not a real apology when you actually think about it. The grandiose narcissist usually tries to blame the mistake on you within an “apology”, saying “I’m sorry you felt that way,” “I’m sorry you got hurt,” “I’m sorry you thought I was trying to hurt you.” Or when they don’t say something like that, they’ll try to justify their mistakes while apologizing, for example, “I’m sorry, but all I was doing was…” or “I’m sorry, but I was just trying to help you by…” Which can make you feel like you’re making a big deal by being hurt by them in the first place! There are also narcissists that can actually sound very genuine! A covert narcissist will apologize, but play the victim card, making them seem like they’re sorry, but they’re actually using their apology as a way to get more attention. For example, “I’m so sorry I’m such a bad person” “I’m sorry I did what I did to you, you’d be better off without me,” ect. It would rather make someone feel sorry for them instead of the attention being on the one who got hurt. I’m not saying this is what your mom does at all, but it’s just some interesting information on narcissists. I do think it’s fishy how your mom kind of gaslighted you by saying she was “not sure how you remembered it.” It might be nice to an outside viewer that she said sorry, but I can tell that her calling you that name made hearing it over and over in the apology pretty triggering. I know a narcissist that says an apology for doing something, but would actually seemingly purposely use the triggering word over and over in the apology. Which might not even be conscious in a narcissist, but they love making drama. One of the narcissists that I know actually admitted to loving to push people’s buttons. And…that’s pretty much what narcissists do when they see the moment to do it. It actually is fun to them. Because when they do it, they know they’re getting under your skin so you can burst and then use that to make them look like the good guy and you the bad guy. You can’t really explain them pushing your buttons to someone or you sound like you’re making a big deal. If you told the narcissist, “you’re saying that word as many times as you can to push my buttons,” they’ll surely pull the “oh whatever could you mean by that” kind of garbage. So you kind of have to just deal with it. Because you cannot by any means call out a narcissist’s behaviors. You will only accomplish getting more hurt and more confused. And I’ll almost guarantee you that in the end, you’ll be gaslighted so much, you’ll be more confused than if you didn’t call them out.
-
@Duchess converts it to google docs
-
And also know one thing-
-
If you need to talk
-
We are here
-
@Haven
(Part 3) Online therapist: "What stresses you out
“filling her cup and giving her some food. I feel that I’m the parent here. But then If I complain I would get scolded for being ungrateful. for being lazy.”I have to admit, this really struck me. I know someone who is like this and they are a narcissist themself. It’s okay for your mom to ask you here and there for something. That’s okay. We all want things but want to just chill for a bit so we ask someone else to do it. But making you feel scared if you ever say anything about it is pretty frightening. And I can totally see the pickle. You could say something about you being stressed and risk getting scolded, or don’t say something, and continue compounding the stress. I assume you’ve been scolded before about that sort of thing so I’m sure you’d know. Complaining might be annoying to some people sometimes, but it’s not like it’s healthy to never complain. I wouldn’t even call a lot of things “complaining,” honestly. If you never tell people about the negative things you feel, it’ll just harm you inside at some point. And the fact that you feel scared to express that since your mom might (or will) scold you, is pretty despicable. And I’m really sorry you have to deal with that.
-
@Haven
(Part 3.5) Online therapist: "What stresses you out
”I don’t Want to tell somebody this and they immediately just search up hotlines for me to call and therapists for me to book.””My counsorlors just talk about suicide hotlines and talk to my parents who are the main problem, and my friends just… Ignore me.”
A lot of people want to help the best way they can by sending hotlines and places to go so you can find the right kind of help. But not all the time that’s what people’re looking for. A talk with a friend over text could be the only thing you really want. And that’s 100% okay. Therapists are here to help you with a problem, but not every problem has an immediate solution. Like yours, for example. And you can’t just go to therapy to get rid of toxic people. They’ll still be at home, and you can’t really be told you “just leave” the problem. It’s complicated with parents being the issue. And your counselor doesn’t seem to realize this. Which isn’t their fault, I guess. Not everyone grasps all angles a situation can be. There are so many kids out there who go to a counselor in replacement of a therapist because the problem lies with the parents. And I really wish you had friends who’d listen to you. I genuinely wish they would. Hotlines have millions of people talk to them all the time. A personal talk with a familiar friend might be something people would rather do. Just so someone in your life would understand. Not someone who you’ll never meet. I know I’m just someone random online, but I’d be more than happy to talk. And I really mean that.
-
@Haven
(Part 4) (Another Story) (1)
I’m very glad you didn’t end up hurting yourself. I know it’s hard to express how you feel about someone when you literally can’t tell them. That’s the tough part of life though. Getting through the parts you can’t find solutions for. Since this person’s your mom, I can’t say there’s a solution out of it besides staying strong till you move out. I know it’s really cliché and not very helpful to hear right now, but I’ve listened to so many talks on narcissistic parents / relationships and I’ve concluded one thing: if you have no choice but to stay in your situation, you have to learn to adapt new skills to deal with them. By skills, I mean learning ways to protect yourself from narcissistic people. Because let me tell you, my friend, they’re not going to just up and vanish. The things you learn to keep yourself safe aren’t like a fly swatter to kill the problem, but are more like bug spray to keep them out of your head. And that’s hard to do, believe me, but it’s how life is sometimes. Walls and shields are not always bad to have. They keep you safe when there are highly toxic people in your life. And since you can’t really do anything right now in terms of getting rid of the problem, I suggest you learn how to protect yourself against what you can’t currently change. -
@Haven
(Part 5) Online therapist: “Why do you want to die”
“My Current ex best friend backstabbed me and Gaslit me”Unfortunately we can’t always rely on our friends around us to be with us through life. I’m really sorry you had a friend that manipulated you in that way. It can be hard when people gaslight you because it leaves you feeling like you’ll never find justice when people twist reality to their liking. I may not know what your friend did, but I hope you will find a friend that will never do that to you. You deserve a good friend so badly. I don’t know if you have discord or anything but if you do, please feel free to dm me (Duchess#9674). I’m really interested in talking.
“My mom stresses me out constantly and doesn’t let me do my own thing, My dad just follows my mom.”
Your dad that “just follows your mom” kind of says a lot about who runs the show around your house. And it makes total sense since she’s a narcissist, as you said (which, I can assure, I totally believe you). I know of a situation that sounds so much like this, it’s not even funny. And yknow what’s the core of it? Narcissism. A narcissistic husband or wife can actually leave the partner feeling like they have no choice but to go along with what the other says. I’m making a huge guess, but I suspect he doesn’t even think much of it. If your dad didn’t go along with what your mom says, how do you think things would be? It’d be a bit different. Probably tons more fights, a lot of guilt tripping from your mom, blah blah blah, you get the picture. When dealing with a narcissist, the easy way out is just go along with what they say. Which, I don’t blame your dad for doing. It’s easier than getting all the grief for having a spine and having an opinion. Even if he had one. Which, everyone has an opinion, conscious or subconscious. It just feels really betraying when your dad rarely (or never) has your back. When a parent never believes you, or ever has your back, it leaves anyone feeling powerless, voiceless, and even useless.
-
@Haven
(Part 6) (Another Story) (2)
Again, I’m very glad you didn’t commit to doing anything harmful to yourself. I know it might seem like a quick and easy way out of life’s problems, but the easy way out isn’t always the right way (not to be cliché though). Just remember that letting your mom make you devalue your life is the last thing you should do if you want to ever overcome her. It lets her win. And you’re not a loser. What I’ve learned about life is the more you value what’s important, the smaller the hurtful people will get. That’s something that takes even years to actually put into mental action, but it’s a good thing to keep in the back of your mind till you’re ready to do that. Not everyone even knows how to step forward to value what’s in front of them over the bad things, because believe it or not, that’s hard! When bad things happen, you want to solve it. And that sometimes risks putting yourself down in replacement. When you value what you have, yourself, friends, family you love, that begins to look bigger and more powerful than the grummy scums that try to get you down. Valuing the good things could even be you reminding yourself “I love me for me, so what this person says doesn’t know what they’re talking about,” or “These people in my life love me, so I don’t need this other person’s approval.” Those are phrases that even I tell myself when I’m in a harmful situation. Not all the time does it stick, but it helps to give yourself a little recap of what’s important to you so you lose grip of what’s good.(Another Story) (3)
The thing about dreams is that they can show us a lot of things we don’t want to see. I’ve had my fair share of scary dreams, and none are fun. The good thing is, they’re not real. -
@Haven
This is a reply I wrote back in december to your post you made here, which I’ve updated a little.
https://mpp.community/forum/topic/8356/i-might-not-be-here-anymore <— (the earbuds incident a year ago)You have no idea how much it bothers me when people pretend like they didn’t just hurt you. Bottom line here, you’re being gaslighted. Gaslighting is when someone lies, manipulates, or questions you so that in the end, you’re the one questioning your reality. You don’t have to be fooled for someone to be gaslighting you though. That’s just not giving in to their manipulation. You’ve mentioned gaslighting with your friend, so I know you know what that is.
If someone hurts you, and they expect you to be okay the next day, that’s just them steamrolling over your feelings. They know they hurt you. Those little phrases, “Oh, are you okay?” “Why’re you sad?” and “What’s wrong?” and pretending like they’re oblivious to what just happened, is gaslighting you. And let me be real with you, she doesn’t actually care what’s wrong. Your mom doesn’t actually care that she hurt you. How do I know? The fact that she is even doing this to you. Her questioning the reality you live in - which is the pain - and acting like it’s not there. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal when a parent asks if you’re okay, (let’s be real, this is a big deal) but the fact that she even offered the idea that you’re “tired…” is absolutely gaslight. You both know what happened! It’s so obvious! And honestly, hearing that really burns me up. I can’t count how many times this has come up over the years, and this generation of prideful parents needs to end. And if you ask me, that’s exactly where it lies. Pride.
A prideful parent will believe or even condition themself to believe that they think they can’t hurt you no matter how much they punch your esteem. That’s why they gaslight. Because when you express any reaction to that pain, they can’t take it. It’s a blow to their ego. They realize, “whoa, I actually hurt this person.” But then, since that doesn’t align with their reality, they gaslight you so that you can be on the same page as them. Really, the goal is so that you tell them you’re okay, you’re not hurt, it’s fine, it’s all good. This part is honestly very tricky to explain because there are two sides here.
It’s all about the ammo. And listen closely because in order to overcome someone like this, you have to know where they get their fuel. You shouldn’t give someone the ammo they’re looking for by believing everything is okay. Or believing you’re not enough. Or believing you’re all these awful things she calls you. Believing anything she says is giving her that fuel. That’s feeding into what they want, which is basically letting yourself be gaslighted. Even if it’s just to satisfy them enough to let things go back to normal. Let’s face it, my friend. It never was normal. But… It’s important for me to tell you that there is no win when it comes to making a parent like this feel bad for their action. Showing emotional pain and showing them they hurt you does nothing. I know, ”Duchess, how could you say such a thing!” Well, my friend. That’s just the cold hard facts. With someone who continues to hurt you and shows no remorse, when do you think they’d ever change just because you showed them your pain? Am I telling you shutting down to the world is the answer to feeling no pain? No. I’m saying cutting off your mom’s ammo supply by reacting to her pain is something you’ll just have to face. There’s a cycle to living with someone like her, and that’s firstly, her being cruel for no reason, then you being hurt, she gaslight gaslight gaslights, manipulate steamroll dismisses, then in the end, you cave and don’t know what’s up or down. But you have a great head on your shoulders and I definitely applaud you for even coming to anyone about this in the first place. The most important part of this is you do not believe her. The second you think you’re not enough, call yourself names, tell yourself you’re weak, is the second you give them what they want. And that’s you feeling weak against her control.
Let me touch upon some specific things you said if you don’t mind. Right in your first sentences, “my mom got mad at me for bringing my earbuds (that she didn’t pay for) to school. It was a birthday present. She said, ‘Since You be sneaking around this tells me that you’re a piece of shit.’ She threw my earbuds out the car window.” Right here, she has no boundaries. And as the prideful parent that she is, she thinks she doesn’t have to respect your belongings. She shouldn’t have done that even if she paid for those earbuds, ultimately. And I will tell you with full confidence that bringing earbuds to school is not being sneaky. It’s crazy how she acts like you brought a vape or drugs to school - but it’s literally earbuds. I am still baffled by what she called you. That is probably one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard, quite honestly. I can’t tell you enough times how absolutely - disgusted… I am hearing these terrible terrible stories. This is literally why I have been so devout to this community. There are people that actually need an outlet to turn to, and I’m genuinely honored to be a part of that. I know I’m not any parental equal to your mom, but you are nowhere near any of the disgusting things she calls you. Absolutely nowhere near.
You said, *“She wants me to behave so I will not speak or show bright emotions towards her. I can’t seem to impress her.” It might be hard to hear, but…sometimes it just has to be that way. Living with a person like this, it can probably save you a lot of grief by just not reacting to her. I know it’s cold to say, but… Painful people just want you to feel more pain. Giving her what she wants will just cause you more pain. Even if it makes her seemingly happy, narcissists will never stay happy. So don’t waste your time and mental / physical energy.
By all means, please update me on more things like this. I’m genuinely interested to know more about this woman.
-
I Am So Sorry This Happened. Like, I’m Really Sorry About What Happened, Just wanted to let you know I am here if you need to talk. Believe in yourself, I love you(as a friend) and I am here for you,
You are and always will be enough.
You are smart and will do great.
Stay strong. …
I am always here for you.
You’re amazing!!
<3 -
System referenced this topic on
-
sorry for the necropost, but ill have to bring this up. sensitive topic warning.
Firstly, we don’t watch any of that LGBf3 stuff. that stuff is the devil. D-E-V-I-L. we don’t believe in any of that because you’ll go to hell. H-E-L-L. From now on you are not to watch, or listen, to anything LGB3 Related. It’s a sin.
Didn’t God say that he loves us for whoever we are? Quote-on-quote,
1 John 3:1: God has lavished great love on us, so that we should be called children of God.
Your mother needs some help because you all are in loving hands by God, even if you are bisexual and non-binary. God forgives you.
And it’s fine if you don’t really want to talk about Christianity or its sensitive to you.
-
@laraiia Real.
-
@JulietteFairmontOfficial This is Old :))
◞ 🎶 If words fail, music speaks! 🎶
