Infina-Phoenix kinda but not rlly- idk

What was it like to lose? All my life, I’ve been held to impossibly high standards that I’ve managed to reach. I’ve been scraping the bar, but I’ve reached the standard. I finally made people proud! I felt good for a while, but this proved that my maximum effort, the effort that exhausts me to no end, the effort that has been forced from me, the effort that takes such a heavy toll on my body, is someone’s minimum effort.
The feeling of dread that seeps back into my body is cold. I had known the warmth of happiness and love and care, but now I must go through the cycle of being compared to someone else. Insults, demeaning and derogatory comments make their way back into my life, dragging me down.
I’m fighting for my life in this sea of brutality, struggling to survive, desperately trying to stay afloat, while I watch them float effortlessly, like the perfect being they are. The water they swim in is so clean, and pure. Mine is tainted with blood, sweat, and salty tears. What was it like to lose? It was like normal. It was the norm for me. The only reason it hurts so much is I was doing so well. And then I went and ruined it.
But I must stand aside and accept my place, below them.

Wubbrle the [REDACTED] thats good then

my mum found my fan and gave it to me

☆ HAILL ! ☆ (Bpc and Wpc’s n1 fan) okk thats good then ❤️

0reo_Mcflvrryz lowkey giggled-
shut up, because I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain to you that your family tree is a wreath. <33

You’re genuinely fucking fake. You don’t care about me, Nor my feelings. You never fucking did. You rely on me to be there for you, But you never do the same for me. You’re utterly fucking disgusting. I wish I never became your goddamn fucking friend. You’re shitty. Not just as a friend, But also as a person. I hope you bump into the wrong people and end up like me. Vulnerable and Broken. I hope nothing great comes into your life. You fucking genuinely suck. You’ve consistently and continuously shown me that my well-being and feelings don’t matter to you. You never did. You’re just a fucking hypocritical bitch. Fuck you. Genuinely. I fucking hate you so fucking much it hurts.

Fuck you. I wish to never have friends like you ever again. Ever. You’ve shown me that you clearly don’t care about your friends or their well-being. It shows you’re clearly just using them to drain them over and over again. And think they don’t have feelings.

I fucking hate you with all my heart.

Edit

Being as though you drained me to bits, I can’t fucking leave you. And I want to. So bad. But I’m attached. And it hurts. It’s like I’m stuck in a place that doesn’t even feel like it, And I’m being huddled and crowded up in it. Squeezing my blood out of me. Draining my last bits drop by drop. And I can’t escape. You’re eating me alive and you know it. You know what you’re doing to me. You know I can’t leave you. You know I’m too Vulnerable to stand up for myself. And you’re taking advantage of me. You clearly know I can’t do anything but tell you to stop. You know I never wanted this. You know you decieved me. You know you’re desperately trying to drain me dry until I can’t physically do anything. You’re amazing. Genuinely phenomenal. You’re a great friend. You don’t want to stop. You keep stabbing me in the heart. Over and over again. Trying to make me bleed out. You’re continuously trying. And you always succeed and win. No matter what. You always knock me down. And when I try to stand, You knock me down once again. The cycle never reverses itself. I hate your guts.

I’m not forgiving you. Ever. I’m fucking forgetting you.

☆ HAILL ! ☆ (Bpc and Wpc’s n1 fan) its fine no need to apologize i need to apologize for being too clingy 😔

I crave attention- All day. Every day. Validation when I don’t need it, constant love, touch positive words, I know everyone needs it, or whatever but I hate it. I can’t go one day being alone. If i’m alone, I’m depressed, If i’m depressed, my mood swings get worse. If my mood swings get worse, I feel bad after I snap out of them because I always go after someone innocent then I end up kissing their ass because I feel so horrible about it. I feel like a fucking dog. A fucking dog. Who needs love, and attention and care constantly. If they don’t get it, they’d die.

I know. I know blood and pain is on my hands from my mood swings.

I know I make people not like me.

I know I’m too clingy. But I need it to thrive.

I know I’m probably the annoying friend nobody really likes.

I know.

@whatswrongwith-me .

I’m slow anc I just woke up from an after school nap :huh:

Why does almost everyone I love hate me?
I’ve been asking myself that since I was 11.
Still haven’t found the answer.

@whatswrongwith-me try and take her to a different veterinarian and tell them what happened and if you could also go to the veterinarian (the one where she got the shot) and ask them what type of shot it was/what’s the name

Myndad is starting to get violently agressive. Im scaree.

whydoiactlikethis?..
imtooclingy.
icantfixmyself
whatiswrongwithme
doireallyneedto?
dotheyhateme
itsquiteobvious
and
they
know
that
itsalwaysmyfault.
icantchange
whyaretheyalwaysmeantome
amiokay
imnot
youregonnagetbulliedagain
youknowthis
youvegonethroughthistoomanytimes
idontwanttogoback
throughthatsamsloophole
ohthisisgonnabefunforthem
wontit?
…

a few weeks ago my mom comes up to me and goes ‘your boobs are bigger.’ then pokes them. i got very uncomfortable. so i walk away.

today my mom comes up to me while i’m unpacking from grandmas and goes ‘do your pants feel tighter? your butt looks bigger.’ and i, obviously very uncomfortable, go ‘okay.’
i then get very insecure and ask my mother ‘what do you mean-’
and then she goes on this ramble about how it’s normal and yada yada and i was like ‘well why are you staring’ and she’s like ‘i don’t have to-’ and then i just walk away, because um. and tgen she FOLLOWS ME and shes like ‘well didn’t you say you wanted a big booty?’ i’m eleven.
so i keep saying okay and she says ‘i’m not having this conversation.’ and walked away. then a few minutes later she comes back and says ‘next time you say something like that to me, i’ll respond like that. see how YOU feel.’
ah yes, becausee i, your daughter, will come up to you and remark that your gluteous maximus looks quite large today.

i sit like a damn dog. i stay for the praise and remain for the beating. All you need to do is butter me up again and i’ll stay for as long as you want. Sure, i’ll get upset. sure, i’ll try to leave. I can’t. I physically can’t. It’s like they’re some sort of FUCKING DRUG. I hate them. I hate them SO FUCKING MUCH. But i still talk to them. I still talk to them because i miss what we were. I need to get over it. i’m not their favorite anymore. it’s okay. their favorite won’t have that throne for long. we all get replaced someday.
they wouldn’t care if i left. but i stay, because i want us back. the ‘us’ that will NEVER come back.
i’m hurting, but i don’t want to acknowledge it.
they hurt me, and i acknowledge it. yet i do nothing about it.

because that’s what i am, aren’t i? a dumb dog.

bro i swear
im making everyone
mad
uncomfortable
just overall pissed off at me
snd yet i barely do anything
i dont even apologize
i just use the same fucking excuses

and i keep on victimizing myself
whenever soneone says something
i have the urge to say somethig that correlates to me
but then i contemplate because
its fucking selfish of me just to make everything about me

not to mentioned i easily replsce my friends
as soon as one gets off
i go to another one
then when they come back on
i go back to thrm and leave the person i WAS talking to

and im just annoying in general
i keep winding people up for entertainment
i dont know how to stop it
its just
i dont know
i just barely have any friends
friends that i dont piss off as reguarly as i do

im just gonna dump all of them
and when i want to restart
obviously i have my past actions
which makes thtem NOT want to be friends with me

im fucking done being friends
im fucking done of just pissing everyone off

thanks, i guess.

@divine I feel you bro- 🫂

i know, another vent post?

i’m sometimes friends with… toxic people. i suppose. They’ll use me, snap at me, mock me when i get upset… it’s annoying.
But for some DAMN reason, i can’t let go of them. Sure, i can temporarily get rid of them, but i ALWAYS wind up crawling back.
‘i’m done.’ will turn into conversing like normal just an hour later because the other knows if they act like nothing’s wrong it’ll manipulate my brain in such a way that i’ll forget i was upset at them.
BECAUSE I CAN’T STAY MAD AT PEOPLE. I TRY to hold grudges, i TRY to remember ‘hey, this person hurt me. i shouldn’t like them. this is WRONG.’ But i STILL can’t let go of them. It’s like trying to let go of a rope, but it’s tied around your wrist.
because they know that once they seep inside of my head like some sort of disease, make me giggle and feel happy… they can snap at me all they want, i’ll still miss them.

I meet someone - We talk - I get attached - They leave.

i feel like im just pissing everyone off atp
like i feel like im not good enough
i keep being annoying
like i just cnat control myself
how about i just end it all
and restart my life
so that i dont have to worry
about the people that
ive pissed off
i wonder
how would that sound?

im mostly the one to snap.
and that wont do me any good
they just get angry
and then tell me that im nothing but a burden
then i get all sensitive
and thats to their enjoyment
they like seeing me cry
im bringing them the satisfaction
i want to fucking torture them till theyre bruised and battered up with cuts
oh sweet life
wont you just listen to me

i cant do it
i just cant
i cant bring myself to do it
its not LIKE me.

im conflicted as fuck
im done
and im not
…