Hey everyone,
Iāve been sitting here staring at this blank box for a long time, not really knowing where to start, because thereās so much I need to say and yet I feel completely drained at the same time. I donāt usually open up this much, but I think I need to. I think I need to let everything spill out before it eats me alive. This community has always been a place where I feel like I can speak and not be drowned out, and right now I need that more than ever.
As some of you might already know, I recently went through a breakup.
That simple sentence feels so small compared to the weight of what it actually means.
Iāve had relationships before, but this one was differentā¦ Different in a way that is hard to put into words. I didnāt just like this person. I didnāt just care about them. I loved him in a way I didnāt even know I was capable of. It wasnāt some passing crush or a comfortable routine. It was real, deep, raw love. The kind that seeps into your bones and changes the way you see the world. I let him see every part of me. I trusted him with pieces of my heart that Iāve never given to anyone else. And because of that, losing him feels like someone reached inside me and tore out something I can never get back.
Since the day it ended, everything has felt heavier. The air, the hours, even my own body.
I wake up every morning with this dull ache sitting in my chest, like a weight pressing down that I canāt shake off no matter what I do. Some mornings I just lie there staring at the ceiling, wondering how the world can keep moving when I feel so stuck. I replay conversations in my head, picking apart every word, every look, every moment where maybe I could have done something different. I keep asking myself impossible questions like āWhat if I had said this instead?ā or āWhat if I had been better?ā Even though I know deep down that love shouldnāt be something you have to beg for or twist yourself to keep. But knowing that doesnāt stop the questions. It doesnāt stop the pain.
Eating has become a struggle I never expected. Before all of this, I didnāt think twice about food. It was just part of life. Now, most days, food feels like nothing. My stomach growls but my heart is too heavy to care. I pick at little things here and there, but the thought of actually eating a meal feels impossible. Itās like my body and my mind are disconnected. I know I need to eat to stay healthy, but the pain numbs the hunger. Iāll go through an entire day realizing Iāve only had a few bites of something, and even when people remind me to take care of myself, itās like Iām watching myself from far away and canāt quite reach. Sleep isnāt much better. I lie awake for hours, my thoughts racing. I see memories like little movies playing behind my eyelids. The way he used to laugh, the way his voice softened when he said my name, the small moments that made me feel safe. I remember all of it and it hurts in a way thatās almost physical. Some nights I cry until I canāt anymore. Other nights I just stare at the dark ceiling, feeling numb and empty, waiting for morning to come so I can start the cycle over again. And through all of this, my self-esteem has been dragged through a storm. Iāve always struggled with it. Always found it hard to believe Iām enough, but this breakup has made those feelings scream louder. Itās like Iām standing in front of a cracked mirror, seeing every flaw, every insecurity, every reason why someone might decide Iām not worth staying for. People tell me Iām beautiful or kind or strong, and I want to believe them, but thereās this voice in my head that whispers, If you were enough, he wouldnāt have left.
That voice is cruel. That voice lies.
And yet, itās still there.
Despite all of this, I am trying. I really am.
Iām trying to take small steps forward, even when it feels like Iām walking through mud. Iāve started forcing myself to accept compliments instead of brushing them off, even when my first instinct is to argue. Iāve been making a point to compliment myself too. Even tiny things, like noticing that I like the way my hair looks that day or that I managed to get out of bed when I didnāt want to. It sounds small, but these small victories matter. Theyāre little reminders that Iām still here. That Iām still fighting. Iām also trying to stop hurting myself emotionally over people who donāt stay. Iāve spent too much time letting other peopleās choices define my worth, and I donāt want to do that anymore. I donāt want to keep giving my heart away only to have it broken and then blame myself for the pieces. I want to get better. I want to heal. I want to be someone who can love deeply without completely losing myself when things fall apart. But I wonāt lieā¦ Right now it still feels like Iām standing in the middle of a storm that hasnāt passed. Some days the sky clears for a few minutes and I feel a little lighter, but then the clouds roll back in and it feels like Iām drowning again.
Through all of this, one of the few things keeping me grounded has been this site and the people here.
I canāt express enough how thankful I am for this community. The internet can be cruel and chaotic, but somehow this place hasnāt turned into a mess. Somehow, youāve all created a space that feels safe. Thatās rare. Thatās special. Especially now, when everything else in my life feels like itās falling apart, this space has become a lifeline. As one of the only active admins left, I see the effort that goes into keeping this place alive and positive, and Iām endlessly grateful. To the mods who step in when things get messy, to the users who bring kindness into every corner, to everyone who quietly supports others without asking for anything in return, you have no idea how much you mean to me.
So here I am. Still hurting. Still tired. Still trying.
I wish I could say Iām okay, but Iām not there yet. I still cry when I think about what I lost. I still wake up some mornings and wonder how Iām supposed to keep going. But I also know that I donāt want to stay in this darkness forever. Healing is slow. Itās messy. Itās exhausting. But I know that even if it takes a long time, I can find my way back to myself. If youāre reading this and youāre hurting too, please know that youāre not alone. If youāre sitting in your own kind of heartbreak, if youāre questioning your worth, if youāre waking up with that same heavy acheā¦ Please know that someone else understands. I understand. And if I can keep breathing through this, if I can keep taking even the tiniest steps toward healing when everything in me wants to give up, then you can too. We are all stronger than we think, even when we feel our weakest. Thank you. Thank you to the mods who quietly keep this place safe when no one is looking. Thank you to the users who show up with kindness in a world that so often forgets how to be kind. Thank you for giving me a reason to log in when I donāt want to face the day. Thank you for reminding me that even when it feels like everything is falling apart, there are still people who care. You might not realize it, but this community has helped me more than I can ever put into words. Youāve given me a place to land when I feel like Iām free-falling. Youāve given me a reason to keep going when all I want to do is stop. And for that, I will always be grateful. 
